Though we have experienced great loss and heartbreak I witnessed first hand our family grow stronger as a bonded unit. Through the trials and difficulties we held tight to one another, often leaning on one another for the strength needed to keep going. In my earlier childhood years I remember lots of happy moments, love and laughter, but as the years went on and my mother's struggle with addiction grew we began to drift apart, leaving me feeling as if we would never regain that closeness we once had. This year without a doubt proved me wrong. This year I saw that close family bond once again return, I saw us wrap each other in our arms and say "I love you" as often as we possibly could. I saw us hold each other up as we fell down in despair, praying for and with each other through each battle we faced. Despite loosing a huge part of our family we grew stronger than ever........
Saying goodbye to Hunter was without a doubt the hardest of all changes to accept.....with his passing I lost a part of myself. There is an emptiness within and often times I find it difficult to know how to "be". People say I'm doing amazingly well, but I have a hard time believing that myself. How can you be okay again after something like this? How can you find your happy place when a large piece of what kept you happy went away? How can you be whole again when a piece of your soul is missing? Though these questions run through my head over and over again, I have come to accept that I may never have the answers. The only thing that brings peace is knowing that God has a reason behind it all (even if I never know that reason) and that I WILL see my sweet boy again one day.
I thought I knew Hunter well, I knew how strongly he loved all around him. I knew he cherished his friends and family, and was thankful to be able to do what he loved (play music). I knew all about his wit and humor and just how intelligent his little mind was. I knew how deeply he was loved by those around him and saw firsthand just how kind and deep his precious soul was.......but in the days following his death I realized how big of an impact he had in this cold, cruel world. People came out of no where sharing stories, memories and pictures of him with us. Hundreds came to his funeral and visitation, all wrapping their arms tight around us as we cried. His band family embraced us tightly and paid special tributes to him both on and off the field. Somehow I feel if Hunter had not passed I would never really know the impact he had........and though it breaks my heart to say it, I'm so thankful to be able to see that in my lifetime. I am so thankful God blessed me with 15 years with this precious boy.....
Despite the heartbreak and tragedy this year brought us, we saw many positive changes. Through Hunter's passing I've gained many new friendships (which I will cherish forever). I lost a son but as I became more familiar with his friends I began to love them like I would my own. Because of Hunter's death we witnessed 15 precious souls get saved, each personally getting to know our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and having the security of knowing that one day they too will meet Hunter in that Heavenly place. We said goodbye to our temporary home and found a permanent HOME, giving us the opportunity to live once again. For the first time in 21 years I reached a medical milestone as my doctors declared my heart to be "stable". Physically I find myself in better shape than ever (120 pounds less than I was 5 years ago), dropping another 6 sizes in the last year alone. I've begun an attempt at following my own personal dreams (writing my musical testimony and blogging more actively) and though I'm not growing by leaps and bounds or "hit the big time", I am fully satisfied with the progress thus far. I've seen my family each grow in their personal lives and finding happiness as they begin to learn how to live again......
What does 2016 hold for us? After the year we just had I won't even begin to guess what this year will hold (it would be a complete waste of time), rather I will say this. In every breathing moment I hope to live in a way that will inspire my children to be the best they can possibly be. I want to show them that you can find happiness after the heartbreak. That you can take those hardships and use them as fuel to carry on in their own lives. They need to see that it is possible to pursue their dreams and believe without a doubt that they are capable of doing so. They need to know they are beautiful, inside and out, and have confidence in the individual God made them to be. Ultimately I want 2016 to be filled with LIFE, LOVE and LAUGHTER for all. 2015 will never fade away, and I'm okay with that for as the years go on I have a feeling we'll be able to look back on this year and see God's amazing work...........
