When I was 21 I became a first time mother. It scared the living day lights out of looking at being responsible for this tiny little human being for the rest of my life, but from the moment I first laid eyes on him, Hunter stole my heart. I know when I heard his first cry and when I first held his little body close to mine that I was meant to be his mother, though like my own young age, I had no idea how I would be able to properly raise him and provide for him. Somehow, throughout the years, God provided everything I needed to give Hunter the best life possible. Though I made more mistakes than I care to count, God continued to guide and teach me as time went on.
My mother struggled with substance abuse issues for majority of her life. My earlier childhood days were happy, filled with lots of happy moments, however, from about the age of 8 on my memories were clouded with the dark, cold reality of the impacts of substance abuse. Though my mother and I continued to have a semi close relationship as I grew into adulthood, the reminder of the past continued to loom overhead. When I found out I was pregnant with Hunter, my mother was over the moon excited. We all thought I would be having our "Madison Hope", only to all be surprised when we received "Hunter Bradly" instead. Like myself, she fell head over heels in love with this precious little boy......and he changed her life just as much as he changed mine. From the moment he was born I began to see my mom slowly ease away from the darkness of substance abuse. He gave her a reason to live and to live a clean lifestyle. With Hunter she was sober, she enjoyed taking him out to eat or to get their daily "ice cream". She often called him her "Sunny Boy" and cherished any and all time she was able to spend with him. Never did I imagine my mother loving a child as much as she loved Hunter.....it was a true blessing to be able to witness that bond.
When Hunter was 8 he went to my mother's house to spend the day with her while Lance and I worked. Upon entering her house he walked over to her couch, gently shook her and said "Sunshine, I'm here, wake up". His plea for her to wake up went unanswered as she had passed away peacefully in her sleep before he arrived at her home. That day my sweet little boy found his best friend cold and lifeless. He didn't talk about it often but I know that day forever changed him, it forever changed us. My mother left a lasting impression on Hunter, and for that I will forever be grateful.
In 2009 I experienced my first Mother's Day without my mother. It was difficult to experience the emotions I felt on that day as I realized I no longer had a mother here to listen to me when I called. I no longer had her to give me advice on how to make it through the challenges I was facing in my own marriage. I knew we had grown apart for several years, however, her absence made me realize we had actually grown closer again in the days leading up to her death. To say I missed her terribly was an understatement, but to see Hunter's pain and grief as he remembered the good times with his "Sunshine".....well, it's enough to break a mother's heart.
As time went on we welcomed our sweet Madison Hope, we went through many family changes (I remarried) and we once again found happy days. In June of 2015 we once again felt the bitter sting of death as Hunter went on to be reunited with his Sunshine in Heaven. Like my mother, he laid down and peacefully died in his sleep. In March of 2016 we also said goodbye to my best friend, Tammy, who had become a second mother to me in the more recent years.
This Mother's Day was much different than any I had experience before. Yes, I will always miss my mother, but never did I imagine I would experience a Mother's Day without one of my children. There is still a piece of me that feels so lost without him and there are times where I feel as if my heart will shatter from the weight of the grief that consumes me. Then I look around and see others who are also hurting......ones who have also lost a mother, some mothers who have buried their child....and then there are those who have not been able to have a child of their own. When I begin to feel sorry for myself I look around and see so many others who are also hurting.....so what right does that give me to have a pity party of my own? This Mother's Day my heart goes out to all who are hurting or feel lost. Somehow God has gotten me through this past year without Hunter, and I have no doubt that He will continue to guide me through for He has blessed me with an army of people around me who continue to hold me up and inspire me to keep going. Even though today was difficult, and many tears were shed, I'm left feeling beyond blessed for the love that continues to surround me. Am I worthy of it? Not by any means, but I will forever cherish the relationships God has brought into my life.
My prayer tonight is for all those hurting and scared, those feeling lost without their mother or child....that they too find comfort in the midst of their sorrow. That they realize they are not alone. That they know God has never left them nor forsaken them, and though they may not hear or see Him, He will ALWAYS be by their side. May they also know it's okay to feel the sadness, the loss, it's okay for them to not be okay. Grief is something that HAS to be felt in order to get through, but may they also know they cannot stay in the darkness for too long. Each day they must look for some kind of light, something positive. Something that will give them Hope, for it is Hope that keeps us alive and gives us purpose. If you are not someone who has experienced this type of loss I ask that you show some love for someone who has......you never know how a simple kind word or hug can impact someone in pain.
Happy Mother's Day to all.....may you hug your little ones tighter and never miss the chance to tell someone special to you "I love you".........
