The Difference A Year Can Make....

At this exact moment one year ago I had just returned home from a very long and very emotional evening.  Mentally and physically exhausted I pulled into my driveway to be greeted by my best friend (Tammy), my sister (Amy) and my aunt Vicky.  I remember walking up the hill and falling into their arms.  I remember sitting on the couch, numb, as the reality of what had just happened set in.  I was in shock, I was heartbroken and helpless, I felt so lost, almost as if a piece of me were missing.  June 18, 2015 was a day that forever changed my life.......

Now we are at the year anniversary.  I still find myself heartbroken, at times feeling lost and like a huge chunk of me is missing.  I experience periods of feeling numb, other times I'm a basket case.  At this very moment last year I had no clue why God had chosen to take my child, however, I did know that He would not have chosen to do such a painful thing unless He had a reason behind it all.  Though the pain of loosing Hunter is greater than I can physically bear at times, I refuse to lay down in defeat.  Almost immediately God began to reveal not only Himself, but his love, mercy and grace to us all.  We were able to bury our son without owing any type of a debt, 15+ precious souls were saved at his funeral, and countless others since.  We began to see just how many lives he touched, how many precious souls he loved simply life with.  We saw his love for our Lord and how he wore his Faith clearly on his sleeves.  Though we were in the midst of our darkest days, there was enough light coming through to keep us moving forward.

I knew this day would be rough emotionally, but did not really know what to expect.     I woke  to the news of one of Hunter's classmates passing away.  Another member of the class of 2018 taken way too soon, way too young.  I think about his parents, and how they, too, are feeling those same raw emotions of the days immediately following their son's unexpected passing.  The same class that had experienced so much loss already, now experiencing another. After waking I had the strong urge to go to his grave.  While there I sat listening to songs on my Ipod (through Hunter's ear buds) and witnessed another family lay a loved one to rest.   I sat, I cried, I prayed and I remembered.  Towards the end of my time there an older couple came by.  The woman walked up and said "Who is this to you?".  I said "This is my son.  He died a year ago today......".  From there our conversation went to her also loosing a child, both agreeing that the pain is something you never really get over.  You go on, but you don't get over it.  She asked me where he went to school, I replied with "Bradley County".  She asked another question then she said "My grandchildren live in Cleveland (city) and they've talked about this boy".......

After my solo visit to the grave I met my husband (Danny Boy), step daughters, niece and friend to eat.  After lunch we all returned to Hunter's grave to sit for a bit longer as a family.  I enjoyed sitting with Daniel and the girls, and having Kayle there is always a blessing.  We were able to call Jenna and all speak to her while there.  Towards the end of our time a couple of Hunter's school friends came (Macey, Mercedes and Laurel), and we sat and reminisced for a bit longer.  Tonight I sit at home alone while Daniel and the girls carry on our family tradition of watching Riverbend fireworks.  I felt guilty for not going, but had the strong urge to spend some time here at home, playing piano or writing, something that would help ease this sadness in my  heart.  

The pain of loosing Hunter is something that will never leave me.  It may be manageable at times, but it will always be there.  I will never again be the person I was prior to his death, for I am forever changed.  I knew Hunter was special, and the way he lived his life made people fall in love with him instantly.  He was truly an old soul trapped in a 15 year old's body.  From the very young to the very old he won the hearts of many.  I knew before he died he was special, but now I see that he touched many, MANY more than I had imagined  Since his death I have seen his testimony come to life, I've seen how he lived in a way to inspire and how those he loved most have drawn inspiration from him.  I am more proud of him today than I was then.  God gave me the world when He gave me Hunter, through Hunter I learned to dream.  The first year is behind us, and looking back I see more good than bad, more blessings than bad fortunes and more light than darkness.  Somehow God got us through this year, and I will move forward trusting that He will get us through another........

 

Happy Mother's Day

When I was 21 I became a first time mother.  It scared the living day lights out of looking at being responsible for this tiny little human being for the rest of my life, but from the moment I first laid eyes on him, Hunter stole my heart.  I know when I heard his first cry and when I first held his little body close to mine that I was meant to be his mother, though like my own young age, I had no idea how I would be able to properly raise him and provide for him.  Somehow, throughout the years, God provided everything I needed to give Hunter the best life possible.  Though I made more mistakes than I care to count, God continued to guide and teach me as time went on.  

My mother struggled with substance abuse issues for majority of her life.  My earlier childhood days were happy, filled with lots of happy moments, however, from about the age of 8 on my memories were clouded with the dark, cold reality of the impacts of substance abuse.  Though my mother and I continued to have a semi close relationship as I grew into adulthood, the reminder of the past continued to loom overhead.  When I found out I was pregnant with Hunter, my mother was over the moon excited.  We all thought I would be having our "Madison Hope", only to all be surprised when we received "Hunter Bradly" instead.  Like myself, she fell head over heels in love with this precious little boy......and he changed her life just as much as he changed mine.  From the moment he was born I began to see my mom slowly ease away from the darkness of substance abuse.  He gave her a reason to live and to live a clean lifestyle.  With Hunter she was sober, she enjoyed taking him out to eat or to get their daily "ice cream".  She often called him her "Sunny Boy" and cherished any and all time she was able to spend with him.  Never did I imagine my mother loving a child as much as she loved Hunter.....it was a true blessing to be able to witness that bond.

When Hunter was 8 he went to my mother's house to spend the day with her while Lance and I worked.  Upon entering her house he walked over to her couch, gently shook her and said "Sunshine, I'm here, wake up".  His plea for her to wake up went unanswered as she had passed away peacefully in her sleep before he arrived at her home.  That day my sweet little boy found his best friend cold and lifeless.  He didn't talk about it often but I know that day forever changed him, it forever changed us.  My mother left a lasting impression on Hunter, and for that I will forever be grateful.

In 2009 I experienced my first Mother's Day without my mother.  It was difficult to experience the emotions I felt on that day as I realized I no longer had a mother here to listen to me when I called.  I no longer had her to give me advice on how to make it through the challenges I was facing in my own marriage.  I knew we had grown apart for several years, however, her absence made me realize we had actually grown closer again in the days leading up to her death.  To say I missed her terribly was an understatement, but to see Hunter's pain and grief as he remembered the good times with his "Sunshine".....well, it's enough to break a mother's heart.

As time went on we welcomed our sweet Madison Hope, we went through many family changes (I remarried) and we once again found happy days.  In June of 2015 we once again felt the bitter sting of death as Hunter went on to be reunited with his Sunshine in Heaven.  Like my mother, he laid down and peacefully died in his sleep.  In March of 2016 we also said goodbye to my best friend, Tammy, who had become a second mother to me in the more recent years.

This Mother's Day was much different than any I had experience before.  Yes, I will always miss my mother, but never did I imagine I would experience a Mother's Day without one of my children.  There is still a piece of me that feels so lost without him and there are times where I feel as if my heart will shatter from the weight of the grief that consumes me.  Then I look around and see others who are also hurting......ones who have also lost a mother, some mothers who have buried their child....and then there are those who have not been able to have a child of their own.  When I begin to feel sorry for myself I look around and see so many others who are also hurting.....so what right does that give me to have a pity party of my own?  This Mother's Day my heart goes out to all who are hurting or feel lost.  Somehow God has gotten me through this past year without Hunter, and I have no doubt that He will continue to guide me through for He has blessed me with an army of people around me who continue to hold me up and inspire me to keep going. Even though today was difficult, and many tears were shed, I'm left feeling beyond blessed for the love that continues to surround me.  Am I worthy of it?  Not by any means, but I will forever cherish the relationships God has brought into my life.  

My prayer tonight is for all those hurting and scared, those feeling lost without their mother or child....that they too find comfort in the midst of their sorrow.  That they realize they are not alone.  That they know God has never left them nor forsaken them, and though they may not hear or see Him, He will ALWAYS be by their side.  May they also know it's okay to feel the sadness, the loss, it's okay for them to not be okay.  Grief is something that HAS to be felt in order to get through, but may they also know they cannot stay in the darkness for too long.  Each day they must look for some kind of light, something positive.  Something that will give them Hope, for it is Hope that keeps us alive and gives us purpose.  If you are not someone who has experienced this type of loss I ask that you show some love for someone who has......you never know how a simple kind word or hug can impact someone in pain.

Happy Mother's Day to all.....may you hug your little ones tighter and never miss the chance to tell someone special to you "I love you"......... 

 

In The End

Hunter was a music lover.  He did not discriminate based on genre, choice of clothing, style of band, etc.  From rock to gospel he loved it all.  To Hunter, he heard the message behind the song, the lyrics speaking to him and his soul.   Growing up we kept him surrounded by Gospel music, so I was quite surprised to find that his heart belonged to rock music (long live Rock n Roll!).  I also found it interesting that he could easily curl up on his bed with classical music playing as he read (and reread) his beloved Harry Potter books.  The kid's love of music covered all music styles, to each he could relate.

A few weeks before he passed away he asked me to listen to a couple of songs, one in particular he said he wanted played at his funeral when he died.  Of course the talk of death, especially in regards to one of my children, was NOT a conversation I wanted to have on any level, but he made me listen none the less.  After the song played he said "I'm not afraid to die, mom.  If I were to die today I would not have ANY regrets".  He also talked of living life in a way that when the day comes that he is no longer here his story was special enough to continue to be told.

Right after he passed away I couldn't remember the song he specifically said he wanted played at his funeral (should he ever die).  A few days later I stumbled across the song "In The End" by Black Veil Brides and upon hearing the intro I knew this was the song Hunter had wanted.   It was too late to  play it at his funeral (and really it may not have been appropriate to play a heavy rock song in the Baptist Church where his funeral was held), but it has played on repeat ever since that fateful day.

In listening to the lyrics I immediately felt as if Hunter were speaking directly to me.  In the last year of his life I saw him live with an abundance of joy and appreciation for simply "being alive".  He threw himself into school and and put his whole heart and soul into playing beautiful music with his band family.  He began each day with the sole purpose of making the most out of the time he was given.  Each relationship he formed (whether it be family or friends) he treasured.  He had a way of looking past one's exterior and seeing the true individual that lies within, and no matter how different they were from him, he loved each and every one the same.  His Faith he wore as a badge of honor, always taking the opportunity to spread his testimony and love for our Heavenly Father.  Though he didn't have much as far as materialistic things go, he lived like he was the richest man on Earth.  Black clouds followed him majority of his life but he was always able to find the sunshine in the midst of the darkness.  Hunter's quick wit and humor drew many a crowd, he just had "that way" of captivating an audience. He simply loved, and I am now finding out just how much he was loved in return.

I'm sure I will come across biased (considering I am his mother), but I think many would agree that Hunter was a special.  His death rocked our worlds leaving us feeling as if we were cheated somehow, he was cheated somehow. A light that bright should be able to shine for many, MANY years simply gone in the matter of seconds.  To us all 15 years was just not long enough for that light to shine.  Now that he is gone it helps to talk of him.  It helps to share his story.  That's what brings some type of comfort to this mother's grieving heart.  In his short 15 years he managed to live a life that has now left a lasting impact on hundreds, if not more.  Even in his death his story helped to lead 15 others to Christ, countless more since his funeral.  Most of us could live a lifetime and never be able to leave the type of impression Hunter left........... 

If we were to die today could we say as Hunter did that we weren't afraid to die?  That we would have no regrets?  I may never fully get over Hunter's death, but I will forever look back at his life and draw inspiration for I, too want to leave this world feeling as if I'd served my purpose....shine on, sweet boy, shine on.


In The End, Black Veil Brides 

In the end, 
As my soul's laid to rest
What is left of my body
Or am I just a shell?
And I have fought
And with flesh and blood I commanded an army
Through it all
I have given my heart for a moment of glory

In the end
As you fade into the night
Who will tell the story of your life
And who will remember your last goodbye
'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid to die.

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid to die

Born a saint
But with every sin I still wanna be holy
I will live again
Who we are
Isn't how we live we are more than our bodies
If I fall I will rise back up and relive my glory

In the end
As you fade into the night
Who will tell the story of your life
And who will remember your last goodbye
'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid to die
.
Who will remember this last goodbye?
'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid to die

The Day I Became Whole.....Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy

Sixteen years ago at this time I was a young 22 year old new mother to be.  I had spent all day putting final touches on the nursery, packing bags, making sure everything would be just perfect when we brought our little boy home.  I was advised to rest the day before my scheduled induction, however, my anxiety of the MAJOR life changes that were about to occur (plus the fear of labor) kept me going like the Energizer bunny ALL DAY LONG.  I had been up since 6am in the morning and was still going until the midnight appointment I had to begin the induction.  

Come midnight my sister, my brother and my then husband, Lance, all walked into East Ridge Hospital with me.  Upon getting checked in to my room my brother and sister broke out a bag of Cheese Doritos and Mayfield French Onion Dip (my FAVORITE) and proceeded to loudly enjoy each and every bite.  I do believe this was done on purpose as some type of payback from one of my childhood antics (like pushing Blake off the back of a truck) but the non stop torture of what they were doing to me, well, it was just inhumane. 

Around 2 to 3 am the nurses began my Pitocin drip.  The contractions started almost immediately.  The monitor on my stomach showed the contractions to be mild, the numbers on the baby monitors looked perfect and the steady rhythmic beat of his little heart gave me great comfort.  Over the next two hours my pain continued to increase, however, my contractions still appeared to be mild and did not change much (as far as the monitor goes).  The nurses came in around 4 am to check, I was still only 2 cm dilated.  

It was a busy night in the maternity ward.  Over 20 babies born in less than 24 hours and all delivery rooms were occupied with active labors.  Because my contraction line didn't move much the nurses did not come by my room much (too many other babies coming into the world).  I have a high tolerance to pain so although the pain continued to increase and I found it necessary to try to go to the bathroom every few minutes (it was the only thing that helped relieve the pain), it never occurred to me that the labor was in fact progressing.  I just thought I had to poop, but no matter how hard I tried I never pooped.  No one had prepared me that there could be the possibility of back labor, and since I didn't want to be seen as the wimp who complains about her pain when she's only 2 cm dilated, I did not notify anyone.  Amy, Blake and Lance had all been passed out asleep for a while. It was when I begin throwing up that they awoke.  When Lance heard me getting sick he paged the nurses.  I heard him say "she's getting sick, there's something wrong".  A few minutes later a nurse came in and checked how far along I was.  Her eyes went wide and she yelled "You're 8 cm now!" as she rushed out of the room.  We kept asking about getting the epidural, my Aunt Annette even went to another room to try to pull the anesthesiologist to me, but their response was "there's no time".  In less than an hour and a half I had dilated from 2 to 8, and my worst fear was coming true.......natural childbirth with NO medication. 

My doctor was not in yet so we began the pushing process while she was en route.  She had expected me to deliver later that evening, not a mere 4.5 hours from the time I was induced.   For two solid hours I pushed with very little progress.  We were not aware of my heart issues at that time. The stress of labor had basically made me feel like I was running a marathon so my body kept giving out and it became harder and harder to push. While I was pushing I remember seeing my brother Blake standing just around the corner.  Enough that he wasn't able to see ANYTHING that was going on, but not quite out of the room so he could hear everything.  At some point after daylight my mother ran in screaming and hollering (in true Sunshine/Marlene fashion).  She yelled at the doctor and nurses for not checking on me enough so that I could get the epidural.  The doctor's response to this was "Look woman, women have been having babies since the bible.  I think your daughter is going to be able to make it okay with no medication".  Since she was taken aback by the doctor's direct response so she turned to me.  As she did she unintentionally bent my IV completely backwards (it was in the top of my hand).  I quite loudly said "Get off my IV!!".  Her response was yet again a classic Marlene response.........."Don't you dare get smart with me young lady".  I didn't find that too funny at the time but looking back it is most definitely a moment with my mother I will NEVER forget.

At 7:47 am on February 3rd, our sweet boy made his appearance into the world.  He came out facing down rather than up.  I remember Lance telling me that when his head came out Lance said "Hey there little buddy".  Hunter turned his head towards Lance's voice and he opened his eyes. I remember Blake not being able to resist a peek when he heard "there's his head" and seeing the look of horror on his face as he realized Hunter's head was not quite out yet. I felt every square inch of that child as he came out, no pain could have even compared to what I felt in that moment.  As soon as he was born the doctors moved him to the incubator and began working on him.  I was not aware but Hunter's body temp was very low.  Not sure if a chord was wrapped or if the labor had just taken a toll on him, but after letting me get a quick glimpse of him they rushed him off to the nursery.  For the first 6 hours of his life I wasn't allowed to touch him.

After they took Hunter away the doctor began to finish up with what they needed to do.  I remember laying there with both feet in stirrups and nothing, absolutely NOTHING covering me and hearing my in laws voices.  Before I could react here come Lance's parents walking around the corner only to find me spread eagle, in all my glory.  I remember laying there MORTIFIED that my father in law had seen that, but he walked straight to me like nothing was wrong.  

When they finally brought him to my room I sat, scared to death to touch him.  He looked so tiny, so perfect.   All I wanted to do was look, and repeat in my head over and over that this is my child, I am responsible for this little one for the REST of my life.  Eventually the fears subsided and I picked him up.  From that very first moment I touched him I knew he was meant to be mine.  When time came for his first diaper change Lance took the honor.  What we weren't prepared for was the pee bath we would receive as soon as his diaper was removed and air touched him. 

Today, on the eve of Hunter's birthday, I sit reflecting on the day in which he came into this world.  The process, no matter how painful, had been immediately worth it when I laid eyes on him for the first time.  From the very beginning we knew he was special, his light shined from the inside out.  All who laid eyes upon him immediately fell in love.  I think back to the pain I felt on that day and how I said I had never and would never feel anything as painful as I had just felt again......my words were wrong.  You could take the pain of that day and multiply it by infinity and it would pale in comparison to the pain I felt on the day he left this world.  I didn't know that I would only have Hunter for 15 short years.  If I had I'm sure I would have cherished our time together more than what I had.    Tomorrow Hunter would have been 16.  Rather than celebrating with birthday cake and candles we will be gathering at his graveside to release balloons in his honor.  Rather than taking him to get his driver's license and laughing at his ridiculous license photo we will be sitting by his headstone reminiscing on the time we did have with him.  I would gladly go through the pain of his birth every second of every day if it meant I could have him back here with me.  

Happy Sweet 16, sweet boy, your absence has left a void in us all that may never close, but though you are gone we will NEVER forget you or memories we made with you........shine on, sweet boy, shine on.

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello - 2015, A Year Of Change

Typically on the last day of the year we all are ready to say goodbye to the past and look forward to a new year with new beginnings.  You would think with my son passing away, my sister having a psychotic break and all other hardships we've faced as a family that we would be more than ready to say "see ya" to 2015 and welcome 2016 with open arms, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Would I want to go through the past six months all over again?  I could do without the pain, but if it meant that I could touch my sweet boy's face once again, to feel his arms around me once again or to hear his sweet voice say "I love you mom", hands down YES I would go through the pain all over again for that chance just to be with him, even for just a moment.  Realistically I know that moment will never come (at least not until I reach that Heavenly place) so I am left to reflect and hold onto the moments we had during the 2015 year, and the 15 previous years before that.......for those reasons alone I am not quite ready to say goodbye.

Though we have experienced great loss and heartbreak I witnessed first hand our family grow stronger as a bonded unit.  Through the trials and difficulties we held tight to one another, often leaning on one another for the strength needed to keep going.  In my earlier childhood years I remember lots of happy moments, love and laughter, but as the years went on and my mother's struggle with addiction grew we began to drift apart, leaving me feeling as if we would never regain that closeness we once had.  This year without a doubt proved me wrong.  This year I saw that close family bond once again return, I saw us wrap each other in our arms and say "I love you" as often as we possibly could.  I saw us hold each other up as we fell down in despair, praying for and with each other through each battle we faced.  Despite loosing a huge part of our family we grew stronger than ever........

Saying goodbye to Hunter was without a doubt the hardest of all changes to accept.....with his passing I lost a part of myself.  There is an emptiness within and often times I find it difficult to know how to "be".  People say I'm doing amazingly well, but I have a hard time believing that myself.  How can you be okay again after something like this?  How can you find your happy place when a large piece of what kept you happy went away?  How can you be whole again when a piece of your soul is missing?  Though these questions run through my head over and over again, I have come to accept that I may never have the answers.  The only thing that brings peace is knowing that God has a reason behind it all (even if I never know that reason) and that I WILL see my sweet boy again one day.

I thought I knew Hunter well, I knew how strongly he loved all around him.  I knew he cherished his friends and family, and was thankful to be able to do what he loved (play music).  I knew all about his wit and humor and just how intelligent his little mind was.  I knew how deeply he was loved by those around him and saw firsthand just how kind and deep his precious soul was.......but in the days following his death I realized how big of an impact he had in this cold, cruel world.  People came out of no where sharing stories, memories and pictures of him with us.  Hundreds came to his funeral and visitation, all wrapping their arms tight around us as we cried.  His band family embraced us tightly and paid special tributes to him both on and off the field.  Somehow I feel if Hunter had not passed I would never really know the impact he had........and though it breaks my heart to say it, I'm so thankful to be able to see that in my lifetime.  I am so thankful God blessed me with 15 years with this precious boy.....

Despite the heartbreak and tragedy this year brought us, we saw many positive changes.  Through Hunter's passing I've gained many new friendships (which I will cherish forever).  I lost a son but as I became more familiar with his friends I began to love them like I would my own.  Because of Hunter's death we witnessed 15 precious souls get saved, each personally getting to know our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and having the security of knowing that one day they too will meet Hunter in that Heavenly place.  We said goodbye to our temporary home and found a permanent HOME, giving us the opportunity to live once again.  For the first time in 21 years I reached a medical milestone as my doctors declared my heart to be "stable".  Physically I find myself in better shape than ever (120 pounds less than I was 5 years ago), dropping another 6 sizes in the last year alone.  I've begun an attempt at following my own personal dreams (writing my musical testimony and blogging more actively) and though I'm not growing by leaps and bounds or "hit the big time", I am fully satisfied with the progress thus far.  I've seen my family each grow in their personal lives and finding happiness as they begin to learn how to live again......

What does 2016 hold for us?  After the year we just had I won't even begin to guess what this year will hold (it would be a complete waste of time), rather I will say this.  In every breathing moment I hope to live in a way that will inspire my children to be the best they can possibly be.  I want to show them that you can find happiness after the heartbreak.  That you can take those hardships and use them as fuel to carry on in their own lives.  They need to see that it is possible to pursue their dreams and believe without a doubt that they are capable of doing so.  They need to know they are beautiful, inside and out, and have confidence in the individual God made them to be.  Ultimately I want 2016 to be filled with LIFE, LOVE and LAUGHTER for all.  2015 will never fade away, and I'm okay with that for as the years go on I have a feeling we'll be able to look back on this year and see God's amazing work...........

Our Sweet Madison Hope.....Happy Birthday To You!

When I was pregnant with Hunter I was convinced I was carrying a girl.  From the first moment Lance and I found out we were expecting we had the name Madison Hope Clark picked out, not ever considering a boys name.  About 12 weeks into the pregnancy I had an ultrasound in which it was discovered I was NOT  carrying Madison Hope, I was carrying a BOY.  A repeat ultrasound confirmed so we set out to pick out the perfect boy name.  I originally wanted to name him Lance Bradley Clark Jr and call him Bradley, but Lance didn't really want another "Lance Bradley" running around.  I was determined to have Bradley as part of his name so Lance took the challenge of coming up with another name that would go along with it.  When he came to me with the name Hunter it seemed perfect (considering Lance was an avid hunter and fisherman).  So, alas, Madison Hope was not to be and Hunter Bradley became the first piece to our family.

When Hunter was three we were undergoing construction in our home by transforming the attic space into a master bed/bath/walk in closet suite.  Because the sides of the ceiling were so low and the house lacked storage space, we incorporated built ins that served as shelving and additional storage.  After we finished the space Hunter climbed into one of the "cubby holes" (as I called them).  From that cubby hole he announced that God was NOT done with his mama yet, she was going to have another baby one day. It was cute seeing his little self proudly proclaiming that he would have another sibling one day, but sad at the same time as we were not able to have anymore children due to my recently discovered heart condition(s).  For another 6 years he remained an only child.............until one day God answered his claim.

The second pregnancy was a complete shock.  How big of a shock you may ask?  So big that I took 6 home pregnancy tests within a 3 hour period, each one showing positive but I still couldn't quite believe it.  Medically there was no way I could have gotten pregnant (or so we thought).  For 9 years we believed we would only have Hunter so this new baby was an absolute miracle baby.  With this pregnancy I was determined that I was carrying a boy.  I had come to the point of acceptance that I would not have my Madison Hope, rather be filled with a house full of boys.  Truth be known I was okay with that.  Hunter absolutely changed my world and I had fallen in love with being the mother of such a precious, sweet boy.  The thought of having another one just like him filled my heart with so much happiness.  Within a few weeks of finding out we were pregnant we had come up with our second boy's name........Fisher Hayden Clark.  Hunter.....Fisher.............I'm sure you get the drift here.....

Because of my heart disease I had to see the high risk doctors on a biweekly basis throughout the second pregnancy.  At the first visit I was told that the odds of me surviving the pregnancy were not great considering the severity of my heart condition.  I was strongly encouraged to go ahead and abort the pregnancy and have my tubes tied immediately.  Obviously this didn't go well with me.  My response to that doctor was "God didn't put this baby inside me just to turn around and take it away.  I WILL NOT abort".  Since I was set on following through with the pregnancy they put the conditions in place that they could take the baby at any point they felt it was necessary (health wise for me, no matter how early it may be), I had to have a c-section with a cardiac staff on hand and I had to have my tubes tied right after delivery.  I agreed to their terms and we continued on with regular monitoring of the pregnancy every three weeks (complete with ultrasound).   Around thirteen weeks the ultrasound showed the gender of the baby.  What was it, you may ask?  Of course the exact OPPOSITE of what my instinct was saying.  Initial shock immediately led to pure joy for we were getting our Madison Hope. 

The year of this pregnancy was a year of many life changes.  During the pregnancy I did have issues related to my heart.  Six months into the pregnancy my mother passed away.  She was extremely attached to Hunter and from the day he was born she stayed on me about having a Madison Hope........by the grace of God my mother was able to live long enough to know that Madison Hope was indeed coming into this world.  The last picture of my mother and I together was at a funeral of a new born who had passed hours after birth (my cousin bravely and faithfully carried out a pregnancy that she too was encouraged to give up all Hope and abort.  I do not believe I've ever seen a more beautiful walk of Faith, she is an amazing woman with an amazing story).  Outside the funeral home my mother and I stood face to face, both looking down at her hand laid upon my stomach as she spoke to her precious Madison Hope.  We were not aware that my Uncle Harold was standing not too far away and he captured that moment on camera (I did not even know the photo existed until after mom had died).......the one and ONLY moment that Sunshine was able to feel Madison move and react to her voice as she told her she loved her.  

At the end of the pregnancy the doctors gave me the option of delivering Madison on Halloween or wait until the next day.  Mom's birthday as well as mine are in November so it seemed important that Madison also share our birthday month with us.  It surprised me that the doctor would come in on a Saturday in which he was not on all just to deliver her, but I was so thankful that he gave us this option. 

The night before she was born we went to my brother's house and trick or treated.  Lance had to work through the night so Dad, Kayle, Jenna and Hunter all went with me.  We did our yearly traditional thing of watching old scary movies, snacking and Blake driving the kids around on a trailer to trick or treat.  This particular night was very heartwarming.  We were able to enjoy each other as a family and share in the excitement of the arrival of the newest addition to our family.   As we were leaving I fell down their driveway popping my ankle and landing on my stomach.  It definitely gave us a scare but Madison seemed to be doing her normal thing and I didn't have any cramps or issues following the fall.  The only hindrance was a seriously twisted ankle that I couldn't walk on.  Dad helped me up the stairs to my bedroom, tucked me in and went to lay on the couch as Hunter, Kayle and Jenna all went to sleep.  Early the next morning they wheeled me into the hospital......it was FINALLY time to meet Madison Hope!

Through the midst of the serious high they had me on (morphine.....most likely my first time having it) I remember bits and pieces of the moments leading up to and following the birth.  I remember Dad joking with the doctor, Lance sitting at my head talking to me......I could hear my dad yell "Jennifer, it's a BOY" followed by the doctors quick but firm "NO IT'S NOT!".  I remember them bringing Madison over for me to turn my head and look upon her beautiful face for the first time.  She was pulled away and I heard them call out weight and length followed by observations of her outward appearance and overall health.  I remember Hunter speaking to Madison for the first time and her turning her head to look at him.....she recognized her brother's voice. 

As they wheeled me down the hallway I saw Hunter and Kayle standing at the window of the nursery.  Both stood with their faces up against the glass, eyes fixed on the beautiful little creature laying in front of them........I could see in that moment just how much Hunter loved his baby sister. I look back now and see how Hunter at the tender age of 3 predicted Madison's arrival.  Somehow he KNEW and in that moment I believe he was seeing God's answer to a prayer he had long ago.....and by the smile on his face you could tell he was cherishing that moment.  For almost seven years Hunter was able to live and love his sister.  Now with him gone I can see pieces of him within Madison (as well as my mother and brother).  She adored him just as much as he adored her and she soaked up every ounce of goodness she could get from him.  My hope is that she will never forget her brother or the love he had for her.  I hope that she will look at his legacy and be inspired to follow her dreams.   My fear is that one day she will loose those memories, but in my heart I know their bond was too strong for anything to dull it's memory.  

The day Madison was born it seemed as if God brought the Sunshine back into our lives.  She is a child so full of joy that her laughter alone can make even the hardest of hearts smile.  She has an imagination that knows no bounds and can keep one entertained for hours (literally, she will talk for hours if you let her).  Her heart radiates a tremendous amount of love and she never meets a stranger.   With each day she grows by leaps and bounds and I believe with all my heart that she has the ability to accomplish ANYTHING she sets her mind to.  

Happy Birthday my sweet Madison Hope.  You have my heart and are a huge inspiration behind my daily walk.  Because of you I want to continue to pursue my own dreams.....after all, how can I expect you to believe in your dreams  if I'm too scared to believe in my own?  This one little statement is one I will repeat to you throughout your life, "You is smart, you is beautiful, you IS important".  I am so blessed to be able to watch you grow, and I will cherish each and every moment I have with you......

Sometimes it takes one to save one......

A couple of weeks ago I took my niece, Jenna, to have a screening done on her heart.  She has never been symptomatic, however, anyone in my bloodline really needs to be checked every two years (whether symptoms show or not).  With the amount of sudden cardiac deaths in our family being so high, we can never be too careful, right? Ultimately Jenna's tests all came back normal and she has a healthy heart.....yearly testing is to continue as a prevention.

I had been having Hunter screened for the past several years.  He did display symptoms of passing out, light headed/dizziness and shortness of breath, but with each screening his tests came back normal.  It was speculated the fainting spells were from him going through puberty, though it was never proven one way or another.  When Hunter died we didn't know what could have happened.  My gut told me it had to do with his heart, however, I always expected it to be the family inherited disease and not a rare viral infection that would take him.  

The cardiologist I took Jenna to happened to be the same cardiologist that monitored Hunter's heart.  He and I had spoken on several occasions, often discussing the possibility of genetic testing and preventative measures we could take for the kids as they grew older.  When Dr. Johnson walked into the room he looked at me and said "I know you".....he looked from me to Jenna then back to me again as he repeated "I know you" with a confused look on his face.  I responded with "You treated my son for several years, he passed away in June" and he interrupted saying "Hunter Clark.......".

The moment he uttered Hunter's name his eyes filled with tears.  "When I first received the call from the medical examiner my knees hit the floor.  All I could do was kneel there and weep.  You have to know that every second of every day you and your family are in my prayers", he said with a trembling voice.  "You have to know that without a shadow of a doubt there is NOTHING you could have done to save Hunter, and for that I'm so very sorry."  For the first part of conversation he stressed how there was nothing we as parents, or even him as a doctor, could have done to save Hunter.  He spent the days following the call reading up on the type of myocarditis Hunter had because prior to him, they had never seen or picked up on a pediatric case.  Typically this type of myocarditis affected adults, not the young.  Because of Hunter they have now picked up on two more pediatric cases and have been able to provide treatment........according to Dr. Johnson, because of Hunter two more lives have been saved (and potentially countless others now that they are aware of what to look for).  

The news was bittersweet.....it means so much that Hunter's death is STILL making good, REALLY good things happen, that lives are being saved........but the human side of me still says "Why did it have to take my son?".  Not that I would wish this pain on anyone else, not even my worst enemy......but did it still have to take my son?  I'm not sure how I will ever recover from loosing such a vital part of me, a HUGE portion of my soul missing.  I'm not sure anything will ever fill that void........but even almost four months later we are still seeing lives impacted, lives saved and forever changed because of our sweet boy.  It's those miracles that soothe the deep ache inside, it's those miracles that continue to inspire me to keep telling his story.......shine on, Hunter, shine on......