Shine Bright, Little One

Our Last Picture Together June 2015

The months leading up to Hunter's passing I felt deep down that something life altering was about to happen.  My soul was very unsettled, as if preparing for whatever badness was heading our way.  I remember praying that last week I had Hunter, saying "God PLEASE let it be me and not one of them".  Looking back now I can see the signs were all there, but for the life of me I couldn't believe that anything would ever happen to one of my children.

Hunter and I would take long drives together, cranking up the music.  We would sing, we would talk and we would sing some more.  I cherished every opportunity I had to spend with him.  Our last few drives were filled with him talking about his life.  He began talking about how he was absolutely in love with life.  He felt God had truly blessed him, and he was so appreciative for the chance to get to live that life.  He began to introduce new songs to me, some of them he even mentioned that "if I ever die I want this played at my funeral".  When he talked of his death like this I always tried to change the conversation, but one day he stopped me and said "I'm not afraid to die, Mom.  I know where I'm going and if I were to die today I would have no regrets." No matter how he tried to assure me, I just couldn't get comfortable with those conversations......

He was with me the final week before he passed away.  On several occasions I remember asking him if he was okay.  He seemed overly tired (though he never complained) and had a little bit of a cough, but nothing stood out as an immediate sign that he was sick.  The last night I had them he and I sat on the couch for a few hours, simply sitting there with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder.  At several points I knew I needed to get up and do something, but I just couldn't leave his side.

The last day I had them, as we drove to meet Lance, I looked at Hunter and with tears in my eyes I looked at him and said "Hunter, PLEASE tell me that you know how much I love you.  I need to know that you KNOW how much I love you and that you never doubt that".  His response...."Mom, you don't need to tell me, I already know."  It should bring me peace that he knew, but I had no idea that would be the last time I was able to tell him how much I loved him.  I had no idea that it would be the last time I would get to hug and tell him goodbye.  I had no idea that night that I would never see my son alive again.....I think Hunter knew as well that something was going on as he repeatedly came over to me (5 times to be exact) to give me a goodbye hug and tell me he loved me......it almost seemed as if he didn't want to let me go. 

Looking back now the signs were all there.  After putting the pieces together I feel I should have taken him to have him evaluated or checked.  I should have recognized that SOMETHING was wrong, even though I had no clue as to what.  I should have been over protective and over reactive, but I wasn't.  As his mother a part of me will ALWAYS feel guilty for not doing more.  If I had done more maybe my son would still be alive today......

The harsh, cold truth is that I didn't act, and he is no longer here.  I will never be able to go back and change things.  I will never get another opportunity take care of my son.  I could easily be lost in the "what if's" and allow the guilt to eat away at me until I am no more.  It would be so much easier to allow the darkness to consume the light, the cold consume all warmth.  It would be easier to lay it all down and simply say "I can't do this anymore".......but then I look around and see the impact he had on others.  I see how he spread  unconditional love around to all, not just friend or family, he loved even a stranger.  Since he passed I have witnessed first hand just how special my son was and how strong his testimony was.  At his funeral alone there were 15+ souls saved and countless others since.  In his 15 short years on this Earth he accomplished more than most would in a full lifetime.  His story is one that will continue to touch others as the years pass by.....his story is one that will keep fueling me with what's needed to carry on.  For that reason alone I CANNOT get lost in the darkness.  For that reason alone I will continue to look for his light.......shine on, Hunter, shine on.......

And The Band Played On.......

Friday night brought yet another reality check, one of many we all will face as we move through our days.  Friday night I should have been watching my sweet Hunter march with his brothers and sisters as they performed their show "Infected".  Hunter especially was over the moon about the theme and song choices this year as he and I (as well as Tara and Daniel) were obsessed with The Walking Dead and other zombie apocalypse shows.  Between that and Harry Potter we had many a marathons.  Hunter couldn't wait to showcase something he held so close......and to be able to do it with his friends, well, it just didn't get any better than that.

Friday night myself, Madison, Lance, Tara, Kallen, Jenna, Kayle, Chelsea, Josie and Jordin all watched with tears in our eyes as Hunter's beloved band performed his beloved show without him.  How God gave us the strength to actually go is beyond me, it would have been so much easier to keep it out of sight and out of mind, but God took us all there.  I'm pretty sure I'm speaking for the others when I say that even though the heartbreak is still so very fresh to us, it was an absolute blessing being able to be there.  I believe that we all received some type of comfort and peace having been there.  

Hunter Clark 2014 Marching Season

After Hunter passed we talked of what we should do with his sax.  It would have been special to keep it and put it on display, but we knew in our hearts that Hunter would want it to be played, especially by someone within the band.  After much consideration Lance sent sweet Macey Lillard to hand delivered Hunter's saxophone to the school to be donated to the band.  We left it purely up to the directors how they wanted to use the sax.....and we were deeply touched when they chose to ask one of Hunter's close friends to play it in his honor. 

The directors chose Alex Johnson.  Alex was a very close friend of Hunter's, and I have come to love him as well.  To Alex, being asked to play Hunter's saxophone was a top honor, one that he appreciated and considered himself blessed to have been asked.  Friday night we got to see Alex holding and playing our sweet boy's instrument........I thought it would be too painful to see, but I was deeply surprised when a sense of peace and comfort came over me. 

Alex Johnson 2015

Alex Johnson playing 2015

 It touched me to no end to see how he carried it with pride and treated it with the utmost respect.  Immediately I knew this was how it was supposed to be.....Hunter wouldn't have wanted it any other way. As the band began to get ready for their show I noticed Hunter's saxophone held high in the middle of a huddle, and one the count of three the band chanted Hunter's name. 

Prayer Circle around Hunter's sax

Next came a prayer circle where they laid the saxophone in the middle of a circle they formed by holding hands.  A prayer was given and students spent time saying something about Hunter.  While the prayer circle formed I walked up to join them....holding tightly to Cameron's hand on one side of me and Alex's hand on the other.  At the very end I said something to the group, though I can't remember exactly what I said (through my own tears).  Friday night we watched as Alex and the rest of the band marched, performing their hearts out and PLAYING IT LOUD.  This small band of less than 100 blew away Walker Valley's beast of a band (300+ members), their sound and overall performance fueled purely off emotion, each did their best to honor Hunter......and in my opinion, they more than accomplished that goal.  We all knew how much Hunter meant to his band mates, their friendships forever sealed, but we were touched beyond measure to see how much respect and love they showed for him.  Anyone watching could see that their hearts, too, were breaking.  It's hard to take a step forward without someone you love, but it's a beautiful thing to watch them use his memory to give them the strength they needed to get through the night.

The only way I could have been prouder were if my sweet boy were on the field with them, belting out the smooth tunes of his saxophone.  Watching him grin ear to ear as he hugged and celebrated the much deserving performance.  Though Hunter wasn't physically there we still felt his presence and though our hearts will continue to break, Hunter will forever live on through this music.  As the wrist band each band member so proudly wears states "Hunter Clark.....your memory marches on", they did in fact keep his memory marching on..........BEAR PRIDE!


 

Macey Lillard as she performs in the halftime show

The Sax Section

Madison, Jenna and Josie

Madison and Me

Kayle and Madison

Mercedes Forgey

Cameron Frederick

Alex Johnson

Katie Cox

Macey Lillard

Kristi Johnson and Jennifer Horn

Looking up from below...

Wrist Bands (Hunter's plus my brother's)

Chelsea and Madison

Watching the band perform....

Sweet Carina....

The Night He Left Us - Two Months Later

Today marks what I am confident is the worst day of my life.  I've had several that I've thought I wouldn't make it through, the pain so bad I thought I couldn't physically survive.......but exactly two months ago I experienced something I never imagined would happen.  My absolute worst fear came true as my 15 year old son, Hunter, passed away.  I remember vividly what happened on that day, and each time I close my eyes I experience it all over again.  I still hear my screams, feeling my breath being taken away, I still see his beautiful eyes, slightly open looking at me........ 

I had just finished a very long week and long day of work.  I went to Wal-Mart on Signal Mtn Blvd to buy $75 worth of drinks for us to take on our upcoming camping trip (our new family tradition).  The buggy itself had to weigh 60+ pounds so I almost abandoned my cart twice thinking I would come back on another day closer to us leaving.  I went ahead and waited through the lines and made my purchases.  When I got to the car and opened the trunk my phone began to ring.  When  I looked down I saw it was Lance.......for a second I almost didn't answer, thinking I would call him back as soon as I'd loaded my car.  I ignored and went ahead and answered.

The moment I heard his voice I knew.  Not sure how I knew, call it a mother's intuition.  I could tell he was crying uncontrollably as he asked where I was.  He kept telling me to get to Daniel and get to his house as soon as possible.  I asked him to tell me what was wrong, begging him to tell me, but he wouldn't.  I started yelling at him to tell me what it was.  I remember the words "Tell me that one of my children isn't dead, Lance!" coming out of my mouth.  Tell me which one, what happened, begging him to tell me it's not true.  He never fully answered, just kept repeating to get to Daniel.  When got off the phone and a woman came up to me and asked if I was okay.  I was shaking and talking like I was crying, but I couldn't cry.  My response to her was "I think one of my children just died".  She responded "Oh my God!  Oh honey, oh my God!  What can I do to help you?".  I asked her to start praying and asked if she would return my cart for me.  As I was pulling out of the parking lot I passed her again......she kissed her fingers and pointed towards the sky as she covered her heart and mouthed "I'm praying for you".

I called Daniel before I got out of the lot.  Not sure exactly what all I was telling him, but I know it was a rapid and panicked account of the conversation I just had.  I remember telling Daniel over and over that it was REALLY bad.  He started asking me random questions like "What house did you do last?", "What color was your vacuum?", "Tell me about the client"........it irritated me initially but as I focused on giving him the right answers I calmed a little.  Somehow we got disconnected.  When my phone rang again it was Kayle.  I remember telling her "I feel it in my guy, Kayle, it's really REALLY bad".  I could hear in her voice that she likely already knew and was trying to keep me talking and calm until I got home.  Not sure exactly how long it took me but the drive home WOULD NOT have been possible without Daniel and Kayle.

When I got home I got out of the car, walked up behind Old Blue (Daniel's truck), looked at Kayle and asked her which one?  She didn't answer so I turned to Dad, put my hands on my knees as I bent over and asked him "Daddy, which one?".  He started walking to me and said "Hunter".  I screamed "NO! NO DADDY, NO!" and fell limp to the ground.  Dad happened to be close enough that he was able to catch me as my body went completely limp.  All I could do was scream and cling to him.  Not sure how long we stood there but they told me we had to go.  I went into the house to get a mello yello and sweet tea (not quite sure why) despite Kayle and Daniel trying to get me into Dad's truck.  I could hear Bree somewhere in the background screaming as well.  I believe Barry was there and he stayed with the girls until Lynda arrived to relieve him.  On the day dad had to be doing 90+ down the freeway.  Daniel kept trying to talk to me but all I could do was cry, my body shaking from the sobs.  At one point I looked on FB and noticed a post from a family member that just said "He's gone!".  No one had officially told me he was dead, I happened to have the final answer provided through Facebook.  When I read it I cried "He's dead!  Oh my God, He's dead!".

The rest of the trip to Hunter's house was a blur.  When we pulled up there were medical examiner,cop and investigator cars lining the driveway.  When we got out of the truck the cops met us in the yard and let us know we couldn't go in the house past a certain point as it was being treated as a crime scene.  Though no foul play was suspected the investigators still had to treat it as a crime scene as Hunter was underage and by all accounts healthy.

Someone got me a chair to sit in the yard and then went inside to tell Lance I was there.  Madison came out the door first and she ran to my lap, hugging my neck tightly.  She kept telling me she loved me and in an almost businesslike voice she said "Hunter died.  He's an angel now.".  The door opened and Lance came out.  The first thing he said was "I'm so sorry", we hugged as we sobbed with Madison's little arms around our necks.  Lance stood up and Daniel walked up to him and gave him a strong and heartfelt hug.  As I moved around throughout the night Sweet Molly followed, laying her head on my leg.....she too knew he was gone........

I lost track of how long we all sat and waited, but as the evening went on family members joined us.  We talked, cried, hugged, stood silent in absolute shock......no one could believe this was really happening.  Once the investigation was completed they allowed us to come in and view his body before they took him.  As I walked up to the gurney my hands immediately went to cradle his head, but I was pulled back as we were not allowed to touch him.  All I could do was stare at his beautiful face with his eyes partially still open, touch his hand through the sheet that covered him and whisper "You're so beautiful" over and over.  Not sure how long we stood there, my feet seemed to be rooted in place.  Letting him go to be wheeled away and driven to some cold medical facility seemed unimaginable.  How could I let my baby go?  

June 18, 2015 a large part of me disappeared.  In the blink of an eye Hunter left us, his beautiful light gone.  In an instant the world we all knew changed.  Even now, two months later, it's hard to believe as a part of me expects him to walk around the corner at any moment.  I expect to hear his sweet voice saying "I love you, Mom".  I expect to feel his growing arms surround me in a loving embrace.......even two months later it just doesn't seem real.  As the days drag on the sorrow deepens and the heartbreak grows.  It is in this time I look for God, clinging to the promise that He has a reason for taking Hunter away from us. It is this promise that keeps us going and carries us even when we cannot move another step.  It is this promise that provides us light in the midst of the darkness.  By Faith alone will we be able to make it through this......prayers today for all family and friends who still feel the bitter sting of his loss, may God continue to guide us and carry us through.  Hunter wouldn't want us to be sad for too long, he would want us to Carry On.........We love you, Hunter Bradley Clark, and we will NEVER forget.

Hello again, Hello

Our last picture together.....June 2015

"Hello again, hello,

It's good to see your face,

It's good to hear your voice.

I've missed you for so long,

No matter how I try, 

I just can't hear your song.

Hello, sweet boy, hello.

You left me suddenly,

Gone without a trace,

No time to find peace.

As the void within me grows,

I long to touch your face,

Oh, I wanna hold you close.

Hello, sweet boy, hello.

I miss your arms tight around me,

Being able to catch your falling tears.

Watching you play your music,

Seeing you grow beyond your years.

But here I sit alone and broken,

Or so it may seem.

I'll take any time I'm given with you,

Even if it's only in my dreams.

Hello, sweet boy, hello,

Don't leave me just yet,

Please let me hold you close.

Walk with me each day,

You're my angel now,

Help me find my way.

Hello, sweet boy, hello"

I wrote this yesterday while sitting at Hunter's graveside.  I visit as often as  I can (daily if at all possible) for it's just about the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal.  Sitting next to him on his baby blanket with music playing brings me comfort.  When my emotions are out of control I go there, to my quiet place, and regroup.  

They say that loosing a child is the worst pain a parent can experience, that it changes you.  I can attest that the statement is true......I haven't felt like "me" since Hunter left this world.  A huge part of me went with him and I'm beginning to believe that NOTHING will ever replace that void he left behind.  As the days drag on the reality sets in that he really is NOT coming back.  I look for anything, anything at all that will make me feel his presence around me.  People may say that my way of grieving is not normal, maybe it isn't to them but to me, it's the only thing I know to do.  Talking about him, blogging about him, spending time with his close friends reminiscing on old times. watching his beloved band play on without him, visiting his grave, sleeping with his Hufflepuff hoodie (which still has his scent).......these are all things that make me feel close to him, and I will cling to ANYTHING that would give me the chance to feel him again.  

How do we heal?  Truth is, I don't know.  This is a time I rely heavily on FAITH that God has this one for me, that He will carry me through somehow.  He HAS to, for I alone cannot do it.  My heart goes out to all the mothers and fathers who have had to say goodbye to their child.  Parents should go well before their children do, that's the natural order of things.  For the parents who have lived without their child, my heart, my prayers are with you.  May we all find comfort in the midst of our heartbreak, may we find the light in the midst of the darkness.  May we find peace in the midst of the turbulence and may we find the strength needed to carry on.  The easiest thing to do right now would be to lay it all down and say "I can't do this anymore"........but by doing that I would be allowing Hunter's legacy to fade away......though I cannot physically mother him anymore I CAN help keep his memory alive.

Here's to you, sweet boy, may you visit me in my dreams often and stay in my heart forever. I will ALWAYS love you. One day we shall meet again and I can touch your sweet face......until then, stay close.....