Today marks what I am confident is the worst day of my life. I've had several that I've thought I wouldn't make it through, the pain so bad I thought I couldn't physically survive.......but exactly two months ago I experienced something I never imagined would happen. My absolute worst fear came true as my 15 year old son, Hunter, passed away. I remember vividly what happened on that day, and each time I close my eyes I experience it all over again. I still hear my screams, feeling my breath being taken away, I still see his beautiful eyes, slightly open looking at me........
I had just finished a very long week and long day of work. I went to Wal-Mart on Signal Mtn Blvd to buy $75 worth of drinks for us to take on our upcoming camping trip (our new family tradition). The buggy itself had to weigh 60+ pounds so I almost abandoned my cart twice thinking I would come back on another day closer to us leaving. I went ahead and waited through the lines and made my purchases. When I got to the car and opened the trunk my phone began to ring. When I looked down I saw it was Lance.......for a second I almost didn't answer, thinking I would call him back as soon as I'd loaded my car. I ignored and went ahead and answered.
The moment I heard his voice I knew. Not sure how I knew, call it a mother's intuition. I could tell he was crying uncontrollably as he asked where I was. He kept telling me to get to Daniel and get to his house as soon as possible. I asked him to tell me what was wrong, begging him to tell me, but he wouldn't. I started yelling at him to tell me what it was. I remember the words "Tell me that one of my children isn't dead, Lance!" coming out of my mouth. Tell me which one, what happened, begging him to tell me it's not true. He never fully answered, just kept repeating to get to Daniel. When got off the phone and a woman came up to me and asked if I was okay. I was shaking and talking like I was crying, but I couldn't cry. My response to her was "I think one of my children just died". She responded "Oh my God! Oh honey, oh my God! What can I do to help you?". I asked her to start praying and asked if she would return my cart for me. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I passed her again......she kissed her fingers and pointed towards the sky as she covered her heart and mouthed "I'm praying for you".
I called Daniel before I got out of the lot. Not sure exactly what all I was telling him, but I know it was a rapid and panicked account of the conversation I just had. I remember telling Daniel over and over that it was REALLY bad. He started asking me random questions like "What house did you do last?", "What color was your vacuum?", "Tell me about the client"........it irritated me initially but as I focused on giving him the right answers I calmed a little. Somehow we got disconnected. When my phone rang again it was Kayle. I remember telling her "I feel it in my guy, Kayle, it's really REALLY bad". I could hear in her voice that she likely already knew and was trying to keep me talking and calm until I got home. Not sure exactly how long it took me but the drive home WOULD NOT have been possible without Daniel and Kayle.
When I got home I got out of the car, walked up behind Old Blue (Daniel's truck), looked at Kayle and asked her which one? She didn't answer so I turned to Dad, put my hands on my knees as I bent over and asked him "Daddy, which one?". He started walking to me and said "Hunter". I screamed "NO! NO DADDY, NO!" and fell limp to the ground. Dad happened to be close enough that he was able to catch me as my body went completely limp. All I could do was scream and cling to him. Not sure how long we stood there but they told me we had to go. I went into the house to get a mello yello and sweet tea (not quite sure why) despite Kayle and Daniel trying to get me into Dad's truck. I could hear Bree somewhere in the background screaming as well. I believe Barry was there and he stayed with the girls until Lynda arrived to relieve him. On the day dad had to be doing 90+ down the freeway. Daniel kept trying to talk to me but all I could do was cry, my body shaking from the sobs. At one point I looked on FB and noticed a post from a family member that just said "He's gone!". No one had officially told me he was dead, I happened to have the final answer provided through Facebook. When I read it I cried "He's dead! Oh my God, He's dead!".
The rest of the trip to Hunter's house was a blur. When we pulled up there were medical examiner,cop and investigator cars lining the driveway. When we got out of the truck the cops met us in the yard and let us know we couldn't go in the house past a certain point as it was being treated as a crime scene. Though no foul play was suspected the investigators still had to treat it as a crime scene as Hunter was underage and by all accounts healthy.
Someone got me a chair to sit in the yard and then went inside to tell Lance I was there. Madison came out the door first and she ran to my lap, hugging my neck tightly. She kept telling me she loved me and in an almost businesslike voice she said "Hunter died. He's an angel now.". The door opened and Lance came out. The first thing he said was "I'm so sorry", we hugged as we sobbed with Madison's little arms around our necks. Lance stood up and Daniel walked up to him and gave him a strong and heartfelt hug. As I moved around throughout the night Sweet Molly followed, laying her head on my leg.....she too knew he was gone........
I lost track of how long we all sat and waited, but as the evening went on family members joined us. We talked, cried, hugged, stood silent in absolute shock......no one could believe this was really happening. Once the investigation was completed they allowed us to come in and view his body before they took him. As I walked up to the gurney my hands immediately went to cradle his head, but I was pulled back as we were not allowed to touch him. All I could do was stare at his beautiful face with his eyes partially still open, touch his hand through the sheet that covered him and whisper "You're so beautiful" over and over. Not sure how long we stood there, my feet seemed to be rooted in place. Letting him go to be wheeled away and driven to some cold medical facility seemed unimaginable. How could I let my baby go?
June 18, 2015 a large part of me disappeared. In the blink of an eye Hunter left us, his beautiful light gone. In an instant the world we all knew changed. Even now, two months later, it's hard to believe as a part of me expects him to walk around the corner at any moment. I expect to hear his sweet voice saying "I love you, Mom". I expect to feel his growing arms surround me in a loving embrace.......even two months later it just doesn't seem real. As the days drag on the sorrow deepens and the heartbreak grows. It is in this time I look for God, clinging to the promise that He has a reason for taking Hunter away from us. It is this promise that keeps us going and carries us even when we cannot move another step. It is this promise that provides us light in the midst of the darkness. By Faith alone will we be able to make it through this......prayers today for all family and friends who still feel the bitter sting of his loss, may God continue to guide us and carry us through. Hunter wouldn't want us to be sad for too long, he would want us to Carry On.........We love you, Hunter Bradley Clark, and we will NEVER forget.
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