Hello again, Hello

Our last picture together.....June 2015

"Hello again, hello,

It's good to see your face,

It's good to hear your voice.

I've missed you for so long,

No matter how I try, 

I just can't hear your song.

Hello, sweet boy, hello.

You left me suddenly,

Gone without a trace,

No time to find peace.

As the void within me grows,

I long to touch your face,

Oh, I wanna hold you close.

Hello, sweet boy, hello.

I miss your arms tight around me,

Being able to catch your falling tears.

Watching you play your music,

Seeing you grow beyond your years.

But here I sit alone and broken,

Or so it may seem.

I'll take any time I'm given with you,

Even if it's only in my dreams.

Hello, sweet boy, hello,

Don't leave me just yet,

Please let me hold you close.

Walk with me each day,

You're my angel now,

Help me find my way.

Hello, sweet boy, hello"

I wrote this yesterday while sitting at Hunter's graveside.  I visit as often as  I can (daily if at all possible) for it's just about the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal.  Sitting next to him on his baby blanket with music playing brings me comfort.  When my emotions are out of control I go there, to my quiet place, and regroup.  

They say that loosing a child is the worst pain a parent can experience, that it changes you.  I can attest that the statement is true......I haven't felt like "me" since Hunter left this world.  A huge part of me went with him and I'm beginning to believe that NOTHING will ever replace that void he left behind.  As the days drag on the reality sets in that he really is NOT coming back.  I look for anything, anything at all that will make me feel his presence around me.  People may say that my way of grieving is not normal, maybe it isn't to them but to me, it's the only thing I know to do.  Talking about him, blogging about him, spending time with his close friends reminiscing on old times. watching his beloved band play on without him, visiting his grave, sleeping with his Hufflepuff hoodie (which still has his scent).......these are all things that make me feel close to him, and I will cling to ANYTHING that would give me the chance to feel him again.  

How do we heal?  Truth is, I don't know.  This is a time I rely heavily on FAITH that God has this one for me, that He will carry me through somehow.  He HAS to, for I alone cannot do it.  My heart goes out to all the mothers and fathers who have had to say goodbye to their child.  Parents should go well before their children do, that's the natural order of things.  For the parents who have lived without their child, my heart, my prayers are with you.  May we all find comfort in the midst of our heartbreak, may we find the light in the midst of the darkness.  May we find peace in the midst of the turbulence and may we find the strength needed to carry on.  The easiest thing to do right now would be to lay it all down and say "I can't do this anymore"........but by doing that I would be allowing Hunter's legacy to fade away......though I cannot physically mother him anymore I CAN help keep his memory alive.

Here's to you, sweet boy, may you visit me in my dreams often and stay in my heart forever. I will ALWAYS love you. One day we shall meet again and I can touch your sweet face......until then, stay close.....