How We Were Able To Bury Our Son

There are not many parents I know that are prepared and already have plans in place to bury their child should the need ever arise.  99% of the time it's the other way around, parents have prearranged things so that when they pass their children are able to bury them with little to no expense, no planning and no worry.  In the case of Hunter, the thought had never crossed our minds that one day we would find ourselves gathered in the parlor of the funeral home looking at caskets and picking out flowers which would adorn our sweet boy.  I shared the story of how the burial plot came around (thanks our sweet Aunt Vicky), but the story does not stop there......

Hunter's body was kept for an autopsy so it was a couple of days after he died before we had to face the funeral arrangements.  During this time the decision of what Hunter would wear was quickly offered.  The day after Lance received a call from Hunter's band director who offered to donate Hunter's band uniform for him to be buried in.   As soon as Lance told me I felt peace, as if knowing this was the perfect outfit for our sweet boy.  It touched me to no end that his school cared that much for him.  Hunter would want to go out supporting his beloved "Bradley Bears" even to the very end, and their more than generous donation allowed us to bury our son in true Hunter style. 

Two days after Hunter died I met with Daniel, Lance and his family and my Dad to discuss funeral arrangements.  There were so many of us that we had to bring in extra chairs.  We sat down with the funeral director (Ralph) who began to guide us through the process.  We started with flowers, then a casket, announcements, obit, etc.  Throughout the process he would show us different options.  Us with our budget friendly minds were looking at the cheaper options but he kept guiding us back to the nicer versions, all the while saying "don't worry about the price, that doesn't matter right now".  We also explored options of having flowers, etc., done outside the funeral home to help with cost, but again, he quickly helped us decide on what would be the perfect choice and it would be ordered through the funeral home.  Once all arrangements were decided upon I turned and asked Ralph how we would go about paying for this.  Through payments?  I knew when Ralph bowed his head, cleared his throat and looked at me with teary eyes that something was going on.  His next words left our large crowd speechless, in total shock, before large shouts began to ring out.  With a trembling and tender voice he said "You have no cost.  We are taking care of all your expenses".  And just like that, in a split moment, we went from being worried that we would not be able to properly bury our son to being able to bury him in true Hunter style without any financial burdens.  Though we thanked Ralph and his team at Hamilton Funeral Home & Cremation Services (on Hixson Pike in the old Golden Corral building) continuously, I don't believe they realized the profound impact they had on our family.  I don't believe they realized how touched and absolutely blessed we felt or the peace we had as we moved through the actual days of visitation and burial.  They may never know how much this meant to us, but I will forever sing their praises.  

The church in which we held Hunter's funeral happened to be a church Hunter spent many years of his childhood in.  It was the church his dad and I met and got married, and the church his beloved Grandmama and Pappa Daddy attended for majority of their lives.  It was a church Hunter was very familiar with (he attended many a baby parades and was dedicated to the church), and one he loved and appreciated for the role it played in his life.  The pastor, Dwight Martin, is the uncle of my niece and nephew (my babies) so from the church to the pastor we have a long history and friendship with all who attend.  If it weren't for the kindness of Calvary Baptist Church in Red Bank, we would not have had the perfect atmosphere in which to say our final goodbyes.  Calvary even went a step further and hosted a dinner for the family after the graveside service was completed.  I will forever hold a special place in my heart for Calvary and it's congregation, they truly went above and beyond for us and I could never thank them enough.

The only expense we had left were the opening and closing of the grave and his grave marker.  Someone set up a Go Fund account which raised enough money to cover the remaining expenses.......

From the beginning of this process God was absolutely, 100% in control.  He soon calmed our fears by placing a few "miracle workers" in our path, and through the kindness of many we were able to bury our son.  Even today I'm left speechless when I look back at all the work God has done, fully aware that He worked true miracles in our lives even in the midst of the darkness.  Though I may never understand why, I do understand (and brokenheartedly accept) that God has a bigger plan........some would say that God abandoned us or punished us by taking our child.......I have a hard time seeing it that way.  Yes, loosing Hunter was tragic, undoubtedly the worst thing I've ever had to face, but through this tragedy God revealed Himself to us, He showed us His mercy, goodness and grace. Through this process we can see the abundance of miracles He performed, and our hearts will be forever grateful.....

On behalf of the family, thank you to ALL who played a role in this......we will never be able to repay your kindness, but we will never fail to express our gratitude. 

Inside Out

I'm currently obsessed with a game called "Inside Out Thought Bubbles".  For weeks I've studied the game, trying to find out the specific pattern to achieve optimum success.  For my severely ADD and overly analytical mind you could say that each bubble that pops symbolizes another thought in my mind being put aside.  Seriously, my mind, my thoughts, never turn off.  Sleep doesn't come easily or without help (a full day of physically demanding work paired with a little Benadryl every night helps ease it long enough for a decent night's sleep).    I can have one thought that will then prompt thought after thought after thought, breaking down the meaning behind the original thought.  All throughout my work career, in each individual performance evaluation I was labeled has being "an extremely analytical person" or "one who could see the bigger picture rather than just the problem at hand"........that's an excellent quality for anyone to possess, however, the main thing I needed to improve on was NOT over analyzing things.   Not to get caught up trying to make sure everything was perfect, that each and every possible scenario was explored.  A boss (or two) mentioned that I needed to learn to trust my gut more and have confidence in taking that idea and making it become reality. 

We had a family night sometime after Hunter died and watched the Inside Out move.  From the beginning the movie had my full attention.  Disney impressed with their way of breaking down how our minds work. Their characters (Joy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness and Fear) and individual story lines showed how our joy can negatively be impacted by anger, fear, disgust and sadness, yet in return we cannot experience true joy without without all the bad.  How we have a vision of what our lives should be like but eventually everything gets flipped, turned upside down (yes, that was a Fresh Prince reference for those 90's kids out there....holla!).   Through the character's journeys were were able to see how they reacted to the devastating changes, and in the end, through much perseverance and sheer determination, they were able to see a brand new life  come together.  Not forgetting the old memories, for those are the foundation the new life is built upon, but cherishing the new life with a better understanding of "the bigger picture" and all it took to create it.

Watching this movie made me think of Hunter.  In his short 15 years he experienced more tragedy and change than most.  For the first 9 years things were amazing for Hunter.  He had both parents pouring themselves into him 24/7, it was just him so he without a doubt received the most of both Lance and I.  He lived in the same home he was brought home to after he was born.  He was able to play sports, had a strong friend and family support system around him.  He had the character themed birthday parties and was spoiled at Christmas and Birthdays (and just about every day of the year.....he was an only child for 9 years).  We were able to take him to Disney and countless other vacations to the beach or mountains.  Hunter truly had a happy life and he was thankful to be able to live them.  

Hunter's life began to fall apart when he was 8.  It started when he walked in to my mother's home, his beloved Sunshine, and found her dead.  His best friend in the world cold and stiff beneath his shake.  Him saying "Sunshine, wake up, I'm here" went unanswered.  That day began a several year span where everything Hunter ever knew in life came crashing down.  Shortly after loosing his Sunshine, he gained a baby sister.  A year later Lance and I divorced, he gained a half brother, stepmother, stepfather and two stepsisters.  As a result of my own mistakes and personal issues he went without me in his life for most of 9 months.....and eventually lost his Uncle Blake and Papa Daddy.......for those who read his testimony these would be the "3 horrible years".     

Through these years Hunter remained Faithful, holding onto all Hope that God would bring all the pieces back together again.  That He would heal each and every break in his heart, that He would fill every gaping hole left behind.  That the love and family bond he treasured at a young age would be restored.  Hunter believed, and much like Joy in the movie he kept pushing forward, no matter how many set backs he came to along the way.  In return Hunter was indeed given a new life.  One he least expected, but one that left him more fulfilled and whole than the life he once knew.  In this new life he had more family than he could have ever imagined possible, love pouring out from not just one but both sides equally.  In this new life he realized his true passion, and was able to live out his dream (it wasn't his ultimate dream of becoming a band teacher, but he did at least get to march a full season on the field and experience the Joy it brought him).  He formed bonds and relationships with peers who loved, accepted and embraced him for who he was, and he in return loved, accepted and embraced each one for who they were.  He didn't have the childhood home or the house on the river, but the two homes he gained seemed like palaces (instead of the shacks they really were).  He didn't have the fancy vacations or expensive toys, but the few prized possessions he did have he treated as if they were priceless. He didn't have much in the terms of materialistic things, but you would never have known.  Hunter lived his life with an appreciation and understanding.  He knew who he was inside, and he embraced the glorious mess that God had created.  

In his short 15 years Hunter came full circle.  He had it all, he lost it all and he found it all again.  In the end his joy shined so brightly that no one know the true struggles he faced or the battles he had fought......and true to his forever grateful heart he never complained.  Much like Joy, Hunter lived in the moment and cherished each and every memory he was able to make.  As I sit and watch the moving again I'm reminded of Sweet Hunter.  It is his life, his testimony, that inspires me to keep going most days.  After all, Hunter wouldn't want us to stop where we are.  He didn't go out of this world in defeat, he went out facing life head on.......and he loved every second of it.  If you were to ask him today if he would change anything about his life, he would tell you "no" and mean it with every fiber of his being.  If a 15 year old boy can live in such a way, why can't I?  Even in death Hunter's light shines brightly (much like Joy).  I look for it every hour of every day, and even in the darkness, he is still there.  I will forever be thankful that God blessed me as your mother.  I would give anything to have more time with you, but God has the "bigger picture" in mind, and Faith says I can't even begin to question it.  Thank you, sweet boy, for being the inspiration I need.  Shine on, Hunter, shine on.

  

His Final Resting Place

I've never been a fan of cemetery's or funeral homes.  Over the past few years we have said goodbye to both my mother and brother, each buried in a special place, but neither of which I could get myself to visit often.  When Hunter passed away that fear turned into a longing, a need to visit as much and often as I possibly could.

We were completely unprepared for the expense of burying our child.  It's just not the natural order of things for a parent to bury their child before themselves, so as you can imagine we had nothing.  The night he died we returned home in the late hours.  Upon arriving my sweet Aunt Vicky and adopted mother, Tammy, were there to greet us.  That evening Aunt Vicky made an offer to us that we couldn't refuse.  We did not have a burial site picked out, and honestly had no clue where we would be sending Hunter, so her offer to sign over one of the family plots in Hamilton Memorial Gardens to us for Hunter was one we accepted with a grateful heart.  My grandfather (Robert) and great grandmother (Nanny) were buried in two of the four plots, leaving two empty for family use.  Mimi, my aunt Sharon and my mother were all cremated and buried in a cemetery close to their childhood home so that left two of the plots unoccupied.   Just down the hill from them lies my other grandparents, Rose and Mote Dotson.  It was a blessing to be given this gift, however, the fact that Hunter would be surrounded by family in such a beautiful setting made us feel even more blessed

  I remember walking to view the plot the day Aunt Vicky signed it over to us and feeling my breath being taken away by the sheer beauty of what surrounded him.  Nestled on the top of a hill just below a large "G" monument with his head facing the Eastern Sky our sweet boy was laid to rest.  For the first two months I visited him daily.  I felt almost like that mother dog who lost one of her pups, not knowing exactly what to do.....so rather than trying to figure it out I went where my heart was telling me to go.  The first few visits seemed surreal, as if expecting him to not really be in that grave. 

  
 
A second blessing came to us in the form of a go fund account set up by family to help with funeral expenses.  For the first 8 weeks his grave went unmarked, but thanks to the fund account we were able to purchase a stunningly beautiful grave marker, complete with his beloved Bible and Saxophone images.  We were also able to put a special quote on there that seemed most fitting for Hunter "I loved as You loved us", as he loved each and every person he came into contact with with no judgement or condemnation.  Hunter truly had the heart of a saint, and in the days following his death we were able to see just how far he spread his love.  Even now, several months later, we are still seeing the impact his love had on countless souls.

Not long after he was buried his stepmother, Tara, arranged for two North American Kestrel's to be released at his grave site.  We stood in awe as we watched the beautiful creatures spread their wings and fly, and for a moment I felt as if we were watching Hunter take his final flight.  I had never experienced something like that before and am so thankful Tara included us in this moment. 

North American Kestrel Release

 

 

 

When my soul is unsettled, when the emotions are spiraling out of control, I come to this place and sit on Hunter's baby blanket.  Sometimes I sit in silence, sometimes I let the music play.  Sometimes I write and sometimes I pray. Sometimes I lay next to him and sometimes I simply weep.  The place I once feared the most suddenly a place where I find comfort and peace.  This is my quiet place, a place to seek refuge, and I will be forever grateful for both Aunt Vicky and countless others who made donations......if it weren't for you guys, our sweet boy wouldn't have received the burial he deserved, and we wouldn't have such a beautiful and peaceful place to visit and find our own peace.  Thank you for making this possible.