Inside Out

I'm currently obsessed with a game called "Inside Out Thought Bubbles".  For weeks I've studied the game, trying to find out the specific pattern to achieve optimum success.  For my severely ADD and overly analytical mind you could say that each bubble that pops symbolizes another thought in my mind being put aside.  Seriously, my mind, my thoughts, never turn off.  Sleep doesn't come easily or without help (a full day of physically demanding work paired with a little Benadryl every night helps ease it long enough for a decent night's sleep).    I can have one thought that will then prompt thought after thought after thought, breaking down the meaning behind the original thought.  All throughout my work career, in each individual performance evaluation I was labeled has being "an extremely analytical person" or "one who could see the bigger picture rather than just the problem at hand"........that's an excellent quality for anyone to possess, however, the main thing I needed to improve on was NOT over analyzing things.   Not to get caught up trying to make sure everything was perfect, that each and every possible scenario was explored.  A boss (or two) mentioned that I needed to learn to trust my gut more and have confidence in taking that idea and making it become reality. 

We had a family night sometime after Hunter died and watched the Inside Out move.  From the beginning the movie had my full attention.  Disney impressed with their way of breaking down how our minds work. Their characters (Joy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness and Fear) and individual story lines showed how our joy can negatively be impacted by anger, fear, disgust and sadness, yet in return we cannot experience true joy without without all the bad.  How we have a vision of what our lives should be like but eventually everything gets flipped, turned upside down (yes, that was a Fresh Prince reference for those 90's kids out there....holla!).   Through the character's journeys were were able to see how they reacted to the devastating changes, and in the end, through much perseverance and sheer determination, they were able to see a brand new life  come together.  Not forgetting the old memories, for those are the foundation the new life is built upon, but cherishing the new life with a better understanding of "the bigger picture" and all it took to create it.

Watching this movie made me think of Hunter.  In his short 15 years he experienced more tragedy and change than most.  For the first 9 years things were amazing for Hunter.  He had both parents pouring themselves into him 24/7, it was just him so he without a doubt received the most of both Lance and I.  He lived in the same home he was brought home to after he was born.  He was able to play sports, had a strong friend and family support system around him.  He had the character themed birthday parties and was spoiled at Christmas and Birthdays (and just about every day of the year.....he was an only child for 9 years).  We were able to take him to Disney and countless other vacations to the beach or mountains.  Hunter truly had a happy life and he was thankful to be able to live them.  

Hunter's life began to fall apart when he was 8.  It started when he walked in to my mother's home, his beloved Sunshine, and found her dead.  His best friend in the world cold and stiff beneath his shake.  Him saying "Sunshine, wake up, I'm here" went unanswered.  That day began a several year span where everything Hunter ever knew in life came crashing down.  Shortly after loosing his Sunshine, he gained a baby sister.  A year later Lance and I divorced, he gained a half brother, stepmother, stepfather and two stepsisters.  As a result of my own mistakes and personal issues he went without me in his life for most of 9 months.....and eventually lost his Uncle Blake and Papa Daddy.......for those who read his testimony these would be the "3 horrible years".     

Through these years Hunter remained Faithful, holding onto all Hope that God would bring all the pieces back together again.  That He would heal each and every break in his heart, that He would fill every gaping hole left behind.  That the love and family bond he treasured at a young age would be restored.  Hunter believed, and much like Joy in the movie he kept pushing forward, no matter how many set backs he came to along the way.  In return Hunter was indeed given a new life.  One he least expected, but one that left him more fulfilled and whole than the life he once knew.  In this new life he had more family than he could have ever imagined possible, love pouring out from not just one but both sides equally.  In this new life he realized his true passion, and was able to live out his dream (it wasn't his ultimate dream of becoming a band teacher, but he did at least get to march a full season on the field and experience the Joy it brought him).  He formed bonds and relationships with peers who loved, accepted and embraced him for who he was, and he in return loved, accepted and embraced each one for who they were.  He didn't have the childhood home or the house on the river, but the two homes he gained seemed like palaces (instead of the shacks they really were).  He didn't have the fancy vacations or expensive toys, but the few prized possessions he did have he treated as if they were priceless. He didn't have much in the terms of materialistic things, but you would never have known.  Hunter lived his life with an appreciation and understanding.  He knew who he was inside, and he embraced the glorious mess that God had created.  

In his short 15 years Hunter came full circle.  He had it all, he lost it all and he found it all again.  In the end his joy shined so brightly that no one know the true struggles he faced or the battles he had fought......and true to his forever grateful heart he never complained.  Much like Joy, Hunter lived in the moment and cherished each and every memory he was able to make.  As I sit and watch the moving again I'm reminded of Sweet Hunter.  It is his life, his testimony, that inspires me to keep going most days.  After all, Hunter wouldn't want us to stop where we are.  He didn't go out of this world in defeat, he went out facing life head on.......and he loved every second of it.  If you were to ask him today if he would change anything about his life, he would tell you "no" and mean it with every fiber of his being.  If a 15 year old boy can live in such a way, why can't I?  Even in death Hunter's light shines brightly (much like Joy).  I look for it every hour of every day, and even in the darkness, he is still there.  I will forever be thankful that God blessed me as your mother.  I would give anything to have more time with you, but God has the "bigger picture" in mind, and Faith says I can't even begin to question it.  Thank you, sweet boy, for being the inspiration I need.  Shine on, Hunter, shine on.