Sunday, November 1, 2015

Our Sweet Madison Hope.....Happy Birthday To You!


When I was pregnant with Hunter I was convinced I was carrying a girl.  From the first moment Lance and I found out we were expecting we had the name Madison Hope Clark picked out, not ever considering a boys name.  About 12 weeks into the pregnancy I had an ultrasound in which it was discovered I was NOT  carrying Madison Hope, I was carrying a BOY.  A repeat ultrasound confirmed so we set out to pick out the perfect boy name.  I originally wanted to name him Lance Bradley Clark Jr and call him Bradley, but Lance didn't really want another "Lance Bradley" running around.  I was determined to have Bradley as part of his name so Lance took the challenge of coming up with another name that would go along with it.  When he came to me with the name Hunter it seemed perfect (considering Lance was an avid hunter and fisherman).  So, alas, Madison Hope was not to be and Hunter Bradley became the first piece to our family.

When Hunter was three we were undergoing construction in our home by transforming the attic space into a master bed/bath/walk in closet suite.  Because the sides of the ceiling were so low and the house lacked storage space, we incorporated built ins that served as shelving and additional storage.  After we finished the space Hunter climbed into one of the "cubby holes" (as I called them).  From that cubby hole he announced that God was NOT done with his mama yet, she was going to have another baby one day. It was cute seeing his little self proudly proclaiming that he would have another sibling one day, but sad at the same time as we were not able to have anymore children due to my recently discovered heart condition(s).  For another 6 years he remained an only child.............until one day God answered his claim.

The second pregnancy was a complete shock.  How big of a shock you may ask?  So big that I took 6 home pregnancy tests within a 3 hour period, each one showing positive but I still couldn't quite believe it.  Medically there was no way I could have gotten pregnant (or so we thought).  For 9 years we believed we would only have Hunter so this new baby was an absolute miracle baby.  With this pregnancy I was determined that I was carrying a boy.  I had come to the point of acceptance that I would not have my Madison Hope, rather be filled with a house full of boys.  Truth be known I was okay with that.  Hunter absolutely changed my world and I had fallen in love with being the mother of such a precious, sweet boy.  The thought of having another one just like him filled my heart with so much happiness.  Within a few weeks of finding out we were pregnant we had come up with our second boy's name........Fisher Hayden Clark.  Hunter.....Fisher.............I'm sure you get the drift here.....

Because of my heart disease I had to see the high risk doctors on a biweekly basis throughout the second pregnancy.  At the first visit I was told that the odds of me surviving the pregnancy were not great considering the severity of my heart condition.  I was strongly encouraged to go ahead and abort the pregnancy and have my tubes tied immediately.  Obviously this didn't go well with me.  My response to that doctor was "God didn't put this baby inside me just to turn around and take it away.  I WILL NOT abort".  Since I was set on following through with the pregnancy they put the conditions in place that they could take the baby at any point they felt it was necessary (health wise for me, no matter how early it may be), I had to have a c-section with a cardiac staff on hand and I had to have my tubes tied right after delivery.  I agreed to their terms and we continued on with regular monitoring of the pregnancy every three weeks (complete with ultrasound).   Around thirteen weeks the ultrasound showed the gender of the baby.  What was it, you may ask?  Of course the exact OPPOSITE of what my instinct was saying.  Initial shock immediately led to pure joy for we were getting our Madison Hope. 

The year of this pregnancy was a year of many life changes.  During the pregnancy I did have issues related to my heart.  Six months into the pregnancy my mother passed away.  She was extremely attached to Hunter and from the day he was born she stayed on me about having a Madison Hope........by the grace of God my mother was able to live long enough to know that Madison Hope was indeed coming into this world.  The last picture of my mother and I together was at a funeral of a new born who had passed hours after birth (my cousin bravely and faithfully carried out a pregnancy that she too was encouraged to give up all Hope and abort.  I do not believe I've ever seen a more beautiful walk of Faith, she is an amazing woman with an amazing story).  Outside the funeral home my mother and I stood face to face, both looking down at her hand laid upon my stomach as she spoke to her precious Madison Hope.  We were not aware that my Uncle Harold was standing not too far away and he captured that moment on camera (I did not even know the photo existed until after mom had died).......the one and ONLY moment that Sunshine was able to feel Madison move and react to her voice as she told her she loved her.  

At the end of the pregnancy the doctors gave me the option of delivering Madison on Halloween or wait until the next day.  Mom's birthday as well as mine are in November so it seemed important that Madison also share our birthday month with us.  It surprised me that the doctor would come in on a Saturday in which he was not on all just to deliver her, but I was so thankful that he gave us this option. 

The night before she was born we went to my brother's house and trick or treated.  Lance had to work through the night so Dad, Kayle, Jenna and Hunter all went with me.  We did our yearly traditional thing of watching old scary movies, snacking and Blake driving the kids around on a trailer to trick or treat.  This particular night was very heartwarming.  We were able to enjoy each other as a family and share in the excitement of the arrival of the newest addition to our family.   As we were leaving I fell down their driveway popping my ankle and landing on my stomach.  It definitely gave us a scare but Madison seemed to be doing her normal thing and I didn't have any cramps or issues following the fall.  The only hindrance was a seriously twisted ankle that I couldn't walk on.  Dad helped me up the stairs to my bedroom, tucked me in and went to lay on the couch as Hunter, Kayle and Jenna all went to sleep.  Early the next morning they wheeled me into the hospital......it was FINALLY time to meet Madison Hope!

Through the midst of the serious high they had me on (morphine.....most likely my first time having it) I remember bits and pieces of the moments leading up to and following the birth.  I remember Dad joking with the doctor, Lance sitting at my head talking to me......I could hear my dad yell "Jennifer, it's a BOY" followed by the doctors quick but firm "NO IT'S NOT!".  I remember them bringing Madison over for me to turn my head and look upon her beautiful face for the first time.  She was pulled away and I heard them call out weight and length followed by observations of her outward appearance and overall health.  I remember Hunter speaking to Madison for the first time and her turning her head to look at him.....she recognized her brother's voice. 

As they wheeled me down the hallway I saw Hunter and Kayle standing at the window of the nursery.  Both stood with their faces up against the glass, eyes fixed on the beautiful little creature laying in front of them........I could see in that moment just how much Hunter loved his baby sister. I look back now and see how Hunter at the tender age of 3 predicted Madison's arrival.  Somehow he KNEW and in that moment I believe he was seeing God's answer to a prayer he had long ago.....and by the smile on his face you could tell he was cherishing that moment.  For almost seven years Hunter was able to live and love his sister.  Now with him gone I can see pieces of him within Madison (as well as my mother and brother).  She adored him just as much as he adored her and she soaked up every ounce of goodness she could get from him.  My hope is that she will never forget her brother or the love he had for her.  I hope that she will look at his legacy and be inspired to follow her dreams.   My fear is that one day she will loose those memories, but in my heart I know their bond was too strong for anything to dull it's memory.  

The day Madison was born it seemed as if God brought the Sunshine back into our lives.  She is a child so full of joy that her laughter alone can make even the hardest of hearts smile.  She has an imagination that knows no bounds and can keep one entertained for hours (literally, she will talk for hours if you let her).  Her heart radiates a tremendous amount of love and she never meets a stranger.   With each day she grows by leaps and bounds and I believe with all my heart that she has the ability to accomplish ANYTHING she sets her mind to.  

Happy Birthday my sweet Madison Hope.  You have my heart and are a huge inspiration behind my daily walk.  Because of you I want to continue to pursue my own dreams.....after all, how can I expect you to believe in your dreams  if I'm too scared to believe in my own?  This one little statement is one I will repeat to you throughout your life, "You is smart, you is beautiful, you IS important".  I am so blessed to be able to watch you grow, and I will cherish each and every moment I have with you......













Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Sometimes it takes one to save one......

A couple of weeks ago I took my niece, Jenna, to have a screening done on her heart.  She has never been symptomatic, however, anyone in my bloodline really needs to be checked every two years (whether symptoms show or not).  With the amount of sudden cardiac deaths in our family being so high, we can never be too careful, right? Ultimately Jenna's tests all came back normal and she has a healthy heart.....yearly testing is to continue as a prevention.

I had been having Hunter screened for the past several years.  He did display symptoms of passing out, light headed/dizziness and shortness of breath, but with each screening his tests came back normal.  It was speculated the fainting spells were from him going through puberty, though it was never proven one way or another.  When Hunter died we didn't know what could have happened.  My gut told me it had to do with his heart, however, I always expected it to be the family inherited disease and not a rare viral infection that would take him.  

The cardiologist I took Jenna to happened to be the same cardiologist that monitored Hunter's heart.  He and I had spoken on several occasions, often discussing the possibility of genetic testing and preventative measures we could take for the kids as they grew older.  When Dr. Johnson walked into the room he looked at me and said "I know you".....he looked from me to Jenna then back to me again as he repeated "I know you" with a confused look on his face.  I responded with "You treated my son for several years, he passed away in June" and he interrupted saying "Hunter Clark.......".

The moment he uttered Hunter's name his eyes filled with tears.  "When I first received the call from the medical examiner my knees hit the floor.  All I could do was kneel there and weep.  You have to know that every second of every day you and your family are in my prayers", he said with a trembling voice.  "You have to know that without a shadow of a doubt there is NOTHING you could have done to save Hunter, and for that I'm so very sorry."  For the first part of conversation he stressed how there was nothing we as parents, or even him as a doctor, could have done to save Hunter.  He spent the days following the call reading up on the type of myocarditis Hunter had because prior to him, they had never seen or picked up on a pediatric case.  Typically this type of myocarditis affected adults, not the young.  Because of Hunter they have now picked up on two more pediatric cases and have been able to provide treatment........according to Dr. Johnson, because of Hunter two more lives have been saved (and potentially countless others now that they are aware of what to look for).  

The news was bittersweet.....it means so much that Hunter's death is STILL making good, REALLY good things happen, that lives are being saved........but the human side of me still says "Why did it have to take my son?".  Not that I would wish this pain on anyone else, not even my worst enemy......but did it still have to take my son?  I'm not sure how I will ever recover from loosing such a vital part of me, a HUGE portion of my soul missing.  I'm not sure anything will ever fill that void........but even almost four months later we are still seeing lives impacted, lives saved and forever changed because of our sweet boy.  It's those miracles that soothe the deep ache inside, it's those miracles that continue to inspire me to keep telling his story.......shine on, Hunter, shine on...... 
 




Sunday, October 4, 2015

A Beautiful Tribute....

The marching season is well underway.  By this time last year we had captured multiple videos and pictures of our sweet boy, Hunter, marching in the halftime show with his beloved bandmates.  His first ever marching season, Hunter marched a little more proudly, chest puffed high.  You could watch him count down the steps, his mind always focused on which way to turn and what note to play next.  Hunter lived for marching season, relishing every moment he was able to have and for one fleeting season we were able to watch him live out his dream.

This year is a little.....well, a LOT different.  We still go to all the games we are able to make it to, and we sit in the stands with all the other proud band parents and watch as their children put on the show of a lifetime.  It's bittersweet in that we are able to watch these amazing kiddos lay their hearts out on the field (most, if not all marching in memory of their friend, Hunter)......but our sweet boy is no longer in their midst.  


Throughout the season the band has paid tribute to Hunter in some pretty incredible ways.  We've watched as they laid his saxophone in the middle of a circle while they prayed, we watched as they held his saxophone above their heads and chanted "Hunter", we've witnessed the "HC" formation they've worked into their show, we've worn the bracelets they each wear in remembrance of their friend, proudly displaying "Hunter Clark, your memory marches on".  We've gone not only to support the kids, but selfishly we've gone because we FEEL him there.  Being around them, watching them......though Hunter is not there we still FEEL him.  Being around them aids us in our grieving process and we will forever be grateful for their role in not only Hunter's life but OUR lives as well.

Every year Bradley hosts a band competition called The ABC Competition (A Bradley Classic).  This year the band and their boosters invited us to attend as VIP's in Hunter's honor.  Daniel, Madison, Dad, Jenna, Kayle, Jordan and Carmen all attended with me and Lance, Tara, Kallen and Talma all attended on behalf of his side of the family.  We all were given free parking, free admission, food and drinks.....all around we were pampered beyond belief.  Walking up to the school I was seriously impressed by the sheer size of the competition, the amount of people and competitors packing the stadium and walkways around the stadium was mind blowing.  It certainly was a big production.  Last year I did not attend this with Hunter (I'm wishing now I had, but I opted to work on my weekend off from the kids.....another memory I can't get back), but this year I was blessed to be able to be a part of it.


 Walking in the gate we were asked if we'd seen the program yet.  While flipping through the pages we came across a page that made us stop and catch our breaths.  There, in the middle of the program, was a large picture of our beautiful boy smiling back at us.  Along with the picture was a beautiful tribute for Hunter that was written by the band boosters.  Our eyes filled with tears as we read and reread the beautifully written words.  Flipping through a little further we stumbled upon a picture of Alex holding Hunter's saxophone with a sweet note written by his parents, letting Alex know that Hunter was there with them and how proud they were of him.  It almost seemed surreal, looking at those pages knowing that it was about our son, but not fully wanting to believe that he is in fact gone.  It touched our hearts beyond belief, but at the same time we experienced another reality check........Hunter is a memory now and will only live on through our hearts.


"HC" Script Formation
At the end of the evening Bradley performed their entire "Infected" show (in full uniform) for the audience.  As the host band they were not allowed to compete, however, they played an exhibition at the end of the competition.  I, along with Daniel, Madison and some of the sweetest band moms around (LOVE my girls) stood on the roof of the concessions building and together we watched and we applauded Bradley's performance.  No matter how many times I've seen the "HC" formation I still catch my breath and my eyes fill with tears.  Chills cover me as I hear the swell of the music as they transition from a regular "HC" to a more script "HC".  It's an amazingly beautiful sight and in that moment, we ALL felt Hunter's presence.  We could almost hear him shouting right along with us, and I could imagine him pumping his fist high into the air.

After the performance and just before the awards ceremony the boosters called Hunter's family along with the family of Brian Gallaher (the Ocoee Middle School Band Director who was killed in a tragic interstate accident only days after we lost our sweet boy) on the field.  In a matter of a week Bradley County was hit hard and suffered great loss in the forms of these two precious souls.  As we walked onto the field the emcee read tributes to both Hunter and Brian, again beautifully written by the band boosters.  After the tributes were read we were presented with plaques, each engraved with a special message regarding the impact both Brian and Hunter had on the Bradley family.  We were left in tears and again could only stand silent, in complete awe of the sight in front of us.



Standing there in the pouring down rain, holding this shiny plaque I looked back at the crowd, each person on their feet cheering and clapping.  In that moment I saw just how much Hunter was loved and respected.  My heart filled with with a sweet sadness and my eyes filled with tears, my hand reached down and landed on the top of Madison's sweet head......words cannot accurately describe my emotions in that exact moment, but my heart was touched more than ever before......
 


To the Bradley family, THANK YOU for including us in this event.  Thank you for welcoming us into your family and thank you for loving our sweet boy. We will ALWAYS hold a special place for you in our hearts, and we will ALWAYS remember what you guys have done for us.  You guys have made our grieving process a little less painful and shifted our focus from his death to the impact he had in life.  Thank you for teaching us more about our son, showing us that he did in fact leave a powerful legacy behind.  We wish you all the best and hope to see your beautiful children make their own paths in life as they pursue their own dreams.  As Hunter would tell them, anything is possible if you just believe...........   

 


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

How We Were Able To Bury Our Son

There are not many parents I know that are prepared and already have plans in place to bury their child should the need ever arise.  99% of the time it's the other way around, parents have prearranged things so that when they pass their children are able to bury them with little to no expense, no planning and no worry.  In the case of Hunter, the thought had never crossed our minds that one day we would find ourselves gathered in the parlor of the funeral home looking at caskets and picking out flowers which would adorn our sweet boy.  I shared the story of how the burial plot came around (thanks our sweet Aunt Vicky), but the story does not stop there......

Hunter's body was kept for an autopsy so it was a couple of days after he died before we had to face the funeral arrangements.  During this time the decision of what Hunter would wear was quickly offered.  The day after Lance received a call from Hunter's band director who offered to donate Hunter's band uniform for him to be buried in.   As soon as Lance told me I felt peace, as if knowing this was the perfect outfit for our sweet boy.  It touched me to no end that his school cared that much for him.  Hunter would want to go out supporting his beloved "Bradley Bears" even to the very end, and their more than generous donation allowed us to bury our son in true Hunter style. 

Two days after Hunter died I met with Daniel, Lance and his family and my Dad to discuss funeral arrangements.  There were so many of us that we had to bring in extra chairs.  We sat down with the funeral director (Ralph) who began to guide us through the process.  We started with flowers, then a casket, announcements, obit, etc.  Throughout the process he would show us different options.  Us with our budget friendly minds were looking at the cheaper options but he kept guiding us back to the nicer versions, all the while saying "don't worry about the price, that doesn't matter right now".  We also explored options of having flowers, etc., done outside the funeral home to help with cost, but again, he quickly helped us decide on what would be the perfect choice and it would be ordered through the funeral home.  Once all arrangements were decided upon I turned and asked Ralph how we would go about paying for this.  Through payments?  I knew when Ralph bowed his head, cleared his throat and looked at me with teary eyes that something was going on.  His next words left our large crowd speechless, in total shock, before large shouts began to ring out.  With a trembling and tender voice he said "You have no cost.  We are taking care of all your expenses".  And just like that, in a split moment, we went from being worried that we would not be able to properly bury our son to being able to bury him in true Hunter style without any financial burdens.  Though we thanked Ralph and his team at Hamilton Funeral Home & Cremation Services (on Hixson Pike in the old Golden Corral building) continuously, I don't believe they realized the profound impact they had on our family.  I don't believe they realized how touched and absolutely blessed we felt or the peace we had as we moved through the actual days of visitation and burial.  They may never know how much this meant to us, but I will forever sing their praises.  



The church in which we held Hunter's funeral happened to be a church Hunter spent many years of his childhood in.  It was the church his dad and I met and got married, and the church his beloved Grandmama and Pappa Daddy attended for majority of their lives.  It was a church Hunter was very familiar with (he attended many a baby parades and was dedicated to the church), and one he loved and appreciated for the role it played in his life.  The pastor, Dwight Martin, is the uncle of my niece and nephew (my babies) so from the church to the pastor we have a long history and friendship with all who attend.  If it weren't for the kindness of Calvary Baptist Church in Red Bank, we would not have had the perfect atmosphere in which to say our final goodbyes.  Calvary even went a step further and hosted a dinner for the family after the graveside service was completed.  I will forever hold a special place in my heart for Calvary and it's congregation, they truly went above and beyond for us and I could never thank them enough.

The only expense we had left were the opening and closing of the grave and his grave marker.  Someone set up a Go Fund account which raised enough money to cover the remaining expenses.......

From the beginning of this process God was absolutely, 100% in control.  He soon calmed our fears by placing a few "miracle workers" in our path, and through the kindness of many we were able to bury our son.  Even today I'm left speechless when I look back at all the work God has done, fully aware that He worked true miracles in our lives even in the midst of the darkness.  Though I may never understand why, I do understand (and brokenheartedly accept) that God has a bigger plan........some would say that God abandoned us or punished us by taking our child.......I have a hard time seeing it that way.  Yes, loosing Hunter was tragic, undoubtedly the worst thing I've ever had to face, but through this tragedy God revealed Himself to us, He showed us His mercy, goodness and grace. Through this process we can see the abundance of miracles He performed, and our hearts will be forever grateful.....

On behalf of the family, thank you to ALL who played a role in this......we will never be able to repay your kindness, but we will never fail to express our gratitude. 









Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Inside Out

I'm currently obsessed with a game called "Inside Out Thought Bubbles".  For weeks I've studied the game, trying to find out the specific pattern to achieve optimum success.  For my severely ADD and overly analytical mind you could say that each bubble that pops symbolizes another thought in my mind being put aside.  Seriously, my mind, my thoughts, never turn off.  Sleep doesn't come easily or without help (a full day of physically demanding work paired with a little Benadryl every night helps ease it long enough for a decent night's sleep).    I can have one thought that will then prompt thought after thought after thought, breaking down the meaning behind the original thought.  All throughout my work career, in each individual performance evaluation I was labeled has being "an extremely analytical person" or "one who could see the bigger picture rather than just the problem at hand"........that's an excellent quality for anyone to possess, however, the main thing I needed to improve on was NOT over analyzing things.   Not to get caught up trying to make sure everything was perfect, that each and every possible scenario was explored.  A boss (or two) mentioned that I needed to learn to trust my gut more and have confidence in taking that idea and making it become reality. 

We had a family night sometime after Hunter died and watched the Inside Out move.  From the beginning the movie had my full attention.  Disney impressed with their way of breaking down how our minds work. Their characters (Joy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness and Fear) and individual story lines showed how our joy can negatively be impacted by anger, fear, disgust and sadness, yet in return we cannot experience true joy without without all the bad.  How we have a vision of what our lives should be like but eventually everything gets flipped, turned upside down (yes, that was a Fresh Prince reference for those 90's kids out there....holla!).   Through the character's journeys were were able to see how they reacted to the devastating changes, and in the end, through much perseverance and sheer determination, they were able to see a brand new life  come together.  Not forgetting the old memories, for those are the foundation the new life is built upon, but cherishing the new life with a better understanding of "the bigger picture" and all it took to create it.

Watching this movie made me think of Hunter.  In his short 15 years he experienced more tragedy and change than most.  For the first 9 years things were amazing for Hunter.  He had both parents pouring themselves into him 24/7, it was just him so he without a doubt received the most of both Lance and I.  He lived in the same home he was brought home to after he was born.  He was able to play sports, had a strong friend and family support system around him.  He had the character themed birthday parties and was spoiled at Christmas and Birthdays (and just about every day of the year.....he was an only child for 9 years).  We were able to take him to Disney and countless other vacations to the beach or mountains.  Hunter truly had a happy life and he was thankful to be able to live them.  

Hunter's life began to fall apart when he was 8.  It started when he walked in to my mother's home, his beloved Sunshine, and found her dead.  His best friend in the world cold and stiff beneath his shake.  Him saying "Sunshine, wake up, I'm here" went unanswered.  That day began a several year span where everything Hunter ever knew in life came crashing down.  Shortly after loosing his Sunshine, he gained a baby sister.  A year later Lance and I divorced, he gained a half brother, stepmother, stepfather and two stepsisters.  As a result of my own mistakes and personal issues he went without me in his life for most of 9 months.....and eventually lost his Uncle Blake and Papa Daddy.......for those who read his testimony these would be the "3 horrible years".     

Through these years Hunter remained Faithful, holding onto all Hope that God would bring all the pieces back together again.  That He would heal each and every break in his heart, that He would fill every gaping hole left behind.  That the love and family bond he treasured at a young age would be restored.  Hunter believed, and much like Joy in the movie he kept pushing forward, no matter how many set backs he came to along the way.  In return Hunter was indeed given a new life.  One he least expected, but one that left him more fulfilled and whole than the life he once knew.  In this new life he had more family than he could have ever imagined possible, love pouring out from not just one but both sides equally.  In this new life he realized his true passion, and was able to live out his dream (it wasn't his ultimate dream of becoming a band teacher, but he did at least get to march a full season on the field and experience the Joy it brought him).  He formed bonds and relationships with peers who loved, accepted and embraced him for who he was, and he in return loved, accepted and embraced each one for who they were.  He didn't have the childhood home or the house on the river, but the two homes he gained seemed like palaces (instead of the shacks they really were).  He didn't have the fancy vacations or expensive toys, but the few prized possessions he did have he treated as if they were priceless. He didn't have much in the terms of materialistic things, but you would never have known.  Hunter lived his life with an appreciation and understanding.  He knew who he was inside, and he embraced the glorious mess that God had created.  

In his short 15 years Hunter came full circle.  He had it all, he lost it all and he found it all again.  In the end his joy shined so brightly that no one know the true struggles he faced or the battles he had fought......and true to his forever grateful heart he never complained.  Much like Joy, Hunter lived in the moment and cherished each and every memory he was able to make.  As I sit and watch the moving again I'm reminded of Sweet Hunter.  It is his life, his testimony, that inspires me to keep going most days.  After all, Hunter wouldn't want us to stop where we are.  He didn't go out of this world in defeat, he went out facing life head on.......and he loved every second of it.  If you were to ask him today if he would change anything about his life, he would tell you "no" and mean it with every fiber of his being.  If a 15 year old boy can live in such a way, why can't I?  Even in death Hunter's light shines brightly (much like Joy).  I look for it every hour of every day, and even in the darkness, he is still there.  I will forever be thankful that God blessed me as your mother.  I would give anything to have more time with you, but God has the "bigger picture" in mind, and Faith says I can't even begin to question it.  Thank you, sweet boy, for being the inspiration I need.  Shine on, Hunter, shine on.

  

Sunday, September 6, 2015

His Final Resting Place


I've never been a fan of cemetery's or funeral homes.  Over the past few years we have said goodbye to both my mother and brother, each buried in a special place, but neither of which I could get myself to visit often.  When Hunter passed away that fear turned into a longing, a need to visit as much and often as I possibly could.

We were completely unprepared for the expense of burying our child.  It's just not the natural order of things for a parent to bury their child before themselves, so as you can imagine we had nothing.  The night he died we returned home in the late hours.  Upon arriving my sweet Aunt Vicky and adopted mother, Tammy, were there to greet us.  That evening Aunt Vicky made an offer to us that we couldn't refuse.  We did not have a burial site picked out, and honestly had no clue where we would be sending Hunter, so her offer to sign over one of the family plots in Hamilton Memorial Gardens to us for Hunter was one we accepted with a grateful heart.  My grandfather (Robert) and great grandmother (Nanny) were buried in two of the four plots, leaving two empty for family use.  Mimi, my aunt Sharon and my mother were all cremated and buried in a cemetery close to their childhood home so that left two of the plots unoccupied.   Just down the hill from them lies my other grandparents, Rose and Mote Dotson.  It was a blessing to be given this gift, however, the fact that Hunter would be surrounded by family in such a beautiful setting made us feel even more blessed


  I remember walking to view the plot the day Aunt Vicky signed it over to us and feeling my breath being taken away by the sheer beauty of what surrounded him.  Nestled on the top of a hill just below a large "G" monument with his head facing the Eastern Sky our sweet boy was laid to rest.  For the first two months I visited him daily.  I felt almost like that mother dog who lost one of her pups, not knowing exactly what to do.....so rather than trying to figure it out I went where my heart was telling me to go.  The first few visits seemed surreal, as if expecting him to not really be in that grave. 

  
 
A second blessing came to us in the form of a go fund account set up by family to help with funeral expenses.  For the first 8 weeks his grave went unmarked, but thanks to the fund account we were able to purchase a stunningly beautiful grave marker, complete with his beloved Bible and Saxophone images.  We were also able to put a special quote on there that seemed most fitting for Hunter "I loved as You loved us", as he loved each and every person he came into contact with with no judgement or condemnation.  Hunter truly had the heart of a saint, and in the days following his death we were able to see just how far he spread his love.  Even now, several months later, we are still seeing the impact his love had on countless souls.

Not long after he was buried his stepmother, Tara, arranged for two North American Kestrel's to be released at his grave site.  We stood in awe as we watched the beautiful creatures spread their wings and fly, and for a moment I felt as if we were watching Hunter take his final flight.  I had never experienced something like that before and am so thankful Tara included us in this moment. 
North American Kestrel Release   

When my soul is unsettled, when the emotions are spiraling out of control, I come to this place and sit on Hunter's baby blanket.  Sometimes I sit in silence, sometimes I let the music play.  Sometimes I write and sometimes I pray. Sometimes I lay next to him and sometimes I simply weep.  The place I once feared the most suddenly a place where I find comfort and peace.  This is my quiet place, a place to seek refuge, and I will be forever grateful for both Aunt Vicky and countless others who made donations......if it weren't for you guys, our sweet boy wouldn't have received the burial he deserved, and we wouldn't have such a beautiful and peaceful place to visit and find our own peace.  Thank you for making this possible.